Allusions

Another day of facing reoccurring disorders, I find it somewhat ironic as I come across them while pouring over my nursing books. I am pleased to be taking psychiatric nursing this semester along with the assigned clinical. Originally I was faced with having to drive to Central State every Monday and having to arrive no later than 730, to my delight, my schedule was changed to a Friday clinical at Houston Medical Center. My fundamentals of nursing clinical is slated for Wednesdays at the Perry Hospital, where I currently am employed, I wonder how such a feat was arranged... I do enjoy working for my boss, doing such results in wonderful advantages. One could say I am blessed or lucky to have my schedule pan out in such a fashion, I personally just go with it. I have never know failure when I attempt success, as far as education is concerned. Yes I have failed classes in high school, but damn, that was my own personal decision, I mean I went from making A's in my honors classes to making 40s. Now I am back to my A status so to speak. I have only been granted a quick taste of success concerning sports; softball mainly. Perhaps such deprivation is the causative agent for my vigorous and soul-consuming involvement. As an individual I am successful, the downfall of team sports is just that; it is a team effort. Offers to play in Macon and for traveling teams have been met with denial, education comes first, sadly. I do not precisely know how to accurately depict and describe the allure of performing on the field of play. It is a sensation like none other. I come face to face with my demons and vanquish them, if only for an brief period of respite. For it seems one source demands exclusive rights to my thoughts, or better yet my conscious, for it already owns my preconscious, and my unconscious runs wild with excitement. I know I will never be sane again, even if somehow I do accomplish achieving my personal longings. Actually, yes, if such an act would be granted to come to fruition I would be let down from my cross, hopefully never to return. Sadly, I currently have a ladder placed at my feet and my extremities are loosed; however I refuse to come down and rest in the open arms. Despicable. Such acts scar me on the inside. Pathetic is how I would best describe a state. While I do consider myself somewhat of an expert at psychoanalysis, I fail to determine the root of cause for these feelings. Everyone else I can embody and predict their future events and produce reasoning and unconscious motivations, yet for me in this area when I open my minds eye and peer into thought, I am met with nothingness. Revelations made regarding my mannerisms appear on a weekly basis, allowing myself to corrector refine such behaviors; however, I simply do not know why or how I became engrossed and entangled. lol, that actually reminds me of a lyric from a Maroon 5 song. Yes I am able to make light if such a state, but it always seem to return with a fierce vengeance, hellbent on permanently remaining. I loathe every aspect pertaining to it ( I also hate using the word it, but I did not feel the need to go back and state the aforementioned predicament, so "it" will do). The sun rises and brings about a fresh day. For the moment I supersede the limits of joy and fill each day to the brim with pleasure cheer. The moments of drought in which my cup becomes dry are the moments wherein I grimace and realize who, better yet, what I am. Thirsty, yet all I receive is a sponge of vinegar.