Yes

I got to say, it was a good day

post

what other great music am I missing out on?
I seriously enjoy music with meaning, emotion, and life behind the lyrics
For every song I hear, I can attach a memory with it
For better or worse
it's these memories, these emotions which give life meaning
it builds character
yes cliche
tis truth
but i really am looking for more music

on a separate note
I need to run up to the new Mac store in macon
in hopes that they fix my iPod
which I have no doubt the will

Can;t say how much I missed playing bass with a group
giving up 2 nights a week is well worth it



ehhh

Seriously, I

do not want to talk about
it

Cause I ain't got all Night

Then I said, “Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
So make a move!
‘Cause I ain’t got all night!”

The rest of the summer was the best we ever had.
We watched Titanic and it didn’t make us sad.
I took you to Best Buy,
You took me home to meet your mom and dad.

Your mom cooked meatloaf even though I don’t eat meat,
I dug you so much, I took some for the team.
Your dad was silent,
His eyes were fixed to what was on TV.

Then the conversation stopped and I looked down at the ring,
Your folks were next to you,
And you were right there next to me.

Then I said, “Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
I swear it’s true!
Without you, my heart is blue.

Girl! If you’re wondering if I want you to,
I want you to!
So make a move!
‘Cause I ain’t got all night!


Yay Yay Yay
great stuff
good night
finals soon
I shall be studying all weekend
Great times
:)

Before i Sleep

A cool 35 degrees F as I drive home from Perry after working all night.
A feat which I have no completed since the beginning of the current school semester. As a matter of fact, I haven't worked at this month until Thanksgiving, in which I worked for a measly 4 hours, which converted to 6 hours thanks to paid time and a half. Feeling extremely content with 6 hours of holiday work, I prepared to call an end to working until the end of this semester. I rationalized such thoughts by saying these actions would allow me focus entirely and solely upon achieving the highest academic marks possibly. So fulfilling these prophecies, I find myself, on Thanksgiving night, busily playing Splinter Cell on the Wii. Yes, I know Splinter Cell, my options are limited due to generosity of my brother. And by generosity I mean, due to the decision of my brother to donate his xbox, keep in mind the very same xbox which all my Morrowind files are saved upon, to his girlfriend in Valdosta. Reverting back to my original thesis, I find my melancholy self settling to play the Wii when all of the sudden I receive a phone call. Short story; it's a co-worker pleading for me to work a night shift for him. Greed hastily takes of my cerebral thought processes and I agree. The next night, I'm working an overnight shift. And I must say, I do miss working nights. I was able to work with two nurses with whom I have never conversed with or stopped to consider giving the time of day. 12 hours later, and we're best friends.So I shall be abandoning my desires to purely study because, well, I would never actually do such things. And the fact that extra money never hurts.
So after a great night at work I find myself sitting in my car as the ice is defrosted off my windshield. As I sit and watch such enticing events, I find my thoughts vacationing in the fantasy world emitting from my stereo. That is the world of Glee because I seriously play that CD every time I go for a drive. No, not because I long to experiment with the sexual lust and desires which emit from same sex relations, rather, I find myself constantly listening to my Glee CD because my unreliably, pathetic, and frankly shitty Ipod refuse to submit to awesome divine authority which is Microsoft and work. The Glee CD is the only CD I have, meaning I am too lazy to look for another, older CD to replace it. Let me reiterate, no homo whatsoever.
Finally the ice has vanquished and I can proceed home. Cautiously I might add, because due to a fateful reverse motion down the ever so pitch-black drive way belonging to a dear pretentious friend of mine, I have no tail light on the driver's side. However, all my caution was for not, because on my entire pilgrimage home I only was able to spot 5 other vehicles in transit. Such a disappointing fact was short lived as I made my way onto Carl Vinson Parkway and discovered all the road work had been completed. Yes I should of noticed these remarkable changes on my way to work, but for the fact that I take a different route to my place of employment and travel a completely different and unique path homeward. It was sensory bliss as I caravaned (lol, caravan-ed) throughout the finely polished environment. Road reflectors have finally been installed; the finishing touches of paint have been van Goghed; blemish-free sighs firmly posted within the ground. All these aspect brought great joy and comfort to my sensory cortex, resulting in an overwhelmingly pleasant relaxation pulsating throughout my body.
Arriving home I was glad to ingest my Melatonin pill and make me a quick cup of Thermaflu; expecting sleep to conquer my fatigued being. With such satisfying events I knew I must blog them. It seemed appropriate being near Thanksgiving. Indeed I am thankful for life at the moment, something I have not had the great fortune of often saying during my life. Simple as it may sound, pure happiness has eluded my battered soul for the majority of my exsistance. The future, unknown as it may, appears bright and warm. A fate which I now am aware is there for the grasping. Ataxia shall not become my destiny; I fully intended on using both hands to apprehend joy which all man crave, a joy which I now know I can generate.
Gator game at 330, I shall be awakening then to enjoy Tebow's last game at the swamp. I do hope to attend UF one day. Much like my father did. He's a pretty cool guy. Tebow that is, because my dad is great! I truly have been blessed with the perfect parents for me. Adieu til next time.

Insert Title Here

test this morning, which I forced myself to take. I don't remember a thing which was on the test. I completed the test, and went straight home. Causing me to miss the lecture on human sexuality. The first slide for lecture was "We have 69 minutes to discuss Sexuality." I was told my instructor was wearing a penis necklace. Melissa and Mary Beth said they would take notes complete with drawings to fill me in.I scanned through the slides posted, and wow, interesting stuff. I will have to read the chapter, not that i'm extremely worried about this chapter. Oh, did I forget to mention my teach, the one lecturing on this topic, is a grandmother and Asian? Well she is, and a sex freak. It's not really as awkward as one would suspect. Just waiting for the test grades to be posted. In hindsight, I should have opted to take the test next week.

The Galaxy lost the MLS Cup to Real Salt Lake. Extreme sad face.
However it did not come as a surprise, it seems whenever I get stoaked and pumped about a soccer match, my team always comes up short. Man U is even falling behind Chelsea. Granted I know second isn;t bad, but still.

Had to break down and buy cough syrup today after taking the test. My cough and throat was becoming unbearable. I'm glad I'm able to refrain from foolish behaviors and activities concerning the syrup.
I officially despise online classes. In the fut
ure I will just submit to going to class one day a week just to avoid having to post my comments on a daily basis to receive a participation grade.

Sleep.

Portrait de l’artiste sans barbe

bleh
blah
err
ehh
ha
he
ho
hum

new morning new start.
I hate the cold and nights like last.
perhaps I can't do it on my own;
just another funeral and
just another girl left in tears.
taking revenge out on all the wrong people.
numb on the inside to all disheartening emotions;
everything you think,
burns down
everything you say.
it no longer entices me
through it's allure and
animalistic lust.
This is the high end of low:
In each relationship it's not about
love,
killing others in small amounts.
The ones that make you
come unglued.
It was never about
her,
it about the
hurt.
Such words only fall
upon van Gogh's ear,
to the point and now
I'm gone.
Fleeing another manufactured lifestyle.

The Scientist - Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

Athens

The things I do to avoid completing my abundance of paperwork.
I hope nights like last do no reoccur ever again if possible.
Oh what a familiar cry of desperation.
Such an exaggerated predicament can only thrive in an environment of delusion.
A repeat circumstance, so vividly foreseen, reluctantly was averted.
Which begs the question, what meaning lies behind such statements?
Destiny guards the cards soon to be dealt.
Swine forever to wallow in slop?
Shudra, eternally neglected, disregarded?


I'd rather prefer an optimistic contour.
Contrasting colors mingling within the boundaries of a pure page.
Producing satisfying relief from constricted boundaries.
No longer looking toward a colonial tower,
Hinging subsequent moves on the appearance of lanterns.
Nor do I lust the ability of role reversal.
A situation I find undesirable.

Love behind an award winning mask.
Eyes piercing the still of night and consuming that which it views.
A complexion softer than the heart and soul which comprise it.
Tactile sensations yet to luxuriate the hypothalamus,
Tantalizing conceptions of such encounters only
Stimulate the excitement supersaturating the twilight air.

Memories warm a cooling heart.
Only to fade as light reflects off a mirror.
Allowing visibility.
Resulting in realization.
And death for a delusion.

Krispy Kreme

twas a good morning
:)

*brown

Laptop Shopping

So I really did just convince one of my best friends to buy a Mac Book.
I still am in a state of disbelief.
"Ok, so I'm torn between this sony and the Mac. just tell what to go for"
me- "hmmm, I'd go for the Mac, just get the software so you can run windows office and you shouldn't have any difficulties."
wait, what just came out of my mouth.
His big thing is customer support and the whole fact that he does have to eject the cd drive on the Mac. He wasn't big into using the computer for anything except school and music. Not for gaming (which mac is awful at) or anything special, and he was already willing to spend $800. Didn't care about graphics or being able to burn or read blue ray or any of that. So the Mac was his best option. They do have phenomenal tech support, I must admit. I had to call about my iPod, gay thing, and they were great with all of my questions. If it were me I would of bought the Sony, but I think he will be happy with the Mac, he doesn;t know any better, and what he doesn;t know won't hurt him, lol.

Time to watch the Man U match I have recorded and saved. Online classes the rest of the day and tomorrow. Constant note taking, studying, and reviewing. Finals are approaching. Dean's List is my goal.

I received my first birthday gift today. A card from Melissa and Mary Beth. Put a smile on face. Twas a good way to start the day, especially since I am not a morning person. Or a person person at that.

A Nice Surprise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YfYBudVXXw

so maybe John Mayer isn't as gay as I initially perceived.
Good CD, Try, that is, by the John Mayer Trio. I had no idea such a project had been created. I just happened to be scanning through the channels when I saw this music video. Why I stopped I can not recall. I believe I was waiting for the concert to come on after this video. I have been in an adventurous mood as of late when it comes to music. Downloading an additional album by Mr Mayer in hopes of a similar sound. Boo, Northside lost. Sad Sad Sad face, hopefully Florida can win tomorrow.

HU

Watching the World Series Game 2 Yankess v Phillies and I must say I am enjoying every pitch. Basketball season has commenced which elates my athletic soul. A soul which has been somewhat lethargic this semester, directly resulting from my absence from the softball field. Bleh, I really do despise using the word "from," but at this hour I am deemed too tired to devise an adequate replacement. Returning to my French leave of sporting events, I can only blame my selfish desires to excel in my schooling. While I currently am not wholly satisfied with my academic efforts, I am confident in my potential to finish the semester with the 3.5+ I covet enviously. What baffles me is how the nursing course load per semester is deemed as only being part time. NURS 1110 is accredited with 6 hours, and NURS 1111 is granted a mere 3. Totaling a dismal 9 hours. In actuality, each class requires a 3 hour lecture on Tuesdays, and the respective clinical (lab) sessions once a week last from 8am to 4pm. It would seem as those the math should add up to convey the appropriate credit hours; however I find myself being labeled as part time. Well, not myself that is. I took the initiative to sign up for additional classes this semester. Perspectives on Death and Dying (Online) 3 hours, Clinical Calculations (Online) 2 hours, and the ever so trivial required class of MSCC 1000 (online) 1 hours. Equaling 15 hours, in other words, full time. I enjoy all of my classes, and even though some classes are completely online, I have been able to establish communication and relationships with each of my instructors. While several would describe my actions as "sucking up", I prefer to describe my actions as genuine. I honestly do seek to understand and grow closes to my instructors. How could such a thing hurt my aspirations to pass and become successful? The majority of my instructors are employed as supervisors at the local hospitals. And while my instructors will never give away an easy grade, they are always there to help. I find such a measure comforting and take advantage of the opportunity. Makes the experience more pleasurable and relaxing. Also it makes for a good reference in the future. Early registration for spring classes begins the first week in November. With just my regular nursing classes, I will only be part time. So I have been investigating the possibility of once again taking additional classes to satisfy my ostentatious desires to be a full time student and still make Honors. I have discovered a History elective which I hope will count towards my Bachelors core requirements. I believe it is HIST 394A5 or something to that affect, entitle Sports in American History, 3 hours. My other option would be Astronomy and the subsequent lab, 4 hours, but currently the class is only offered during the exact time of my nursing classes. I still have yet to identify the days for my clinicals for next semester so I am proceeding with caution. My rationale is to sign up for whatever classes I may possibly take, and then drop the ones which conflict with my nursing schedule before the beginning of the Spring Semester. Currently I am considering the HIST class, Astronomy, World Lit (online), or possibly a Medical terminology course, which should be online. My summer is also looking to be booked, Statistics, English, Bio, and Sociology to start. And of course with work at the hospital intertwined. I do enjoy my job, for the most part I love it. I should become a nurse external shortly, a welcomed pay raise. Just another step to becoming a nurse. I have it extremely good down in Perry, and I will not let their good will go to waste, I am committed to work for Houston Healthcare for at least 2 years, more likely until I finish my BSN, which should be 3 years after I finish my ASN at the most. But let my not get ahead of myself.
Yay for Hollywood Undead. My band of the week. This is the closest I will come to listening to rap, aside from Eminem. Ever since I lost that softball game to an all black team I have ceased my indulgence to rap music. No lie.
I am enjoying my Acoustic Bass which I have recently purchased. It is a Parker Acoustic, pricing originally at 1,600.00. No I did not pay full price for such a beautiful instrument, but it has been the most money I have spent at one time in, well, ever. Aside from jogging, playing bass is what relaxes me, and I attempt to play once a day.
New diet has been going well. Initial stages, hopeful regarding results. Yay, Yankess win. Time to watch Conan O Brien until I fall asleep. Yay for Melatonin.

Filling up the iPod

no air

Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

should be studying, but i am taking a break.
up
down
up
down
tis the cycle of emotional status
for me at least
never to the extreme
well, i shouldn't lie
blah
i just want to finish school
everything else is a distraction
albeit some are grand distractions
needed distractions
but never permanent distractions
granted, i desire a permanent distraction
like a fool
always changing but never learning from previous failed endeavors
perhaps I just fail at math
percentages and chance never make it through to my conscious understanding
i just
just
want "that"
no air
sadfaceee
i hate it
tired of it all

Loss

ehhh
well
idk
honestly
I'd rather not think about it
granted I know silver is destined to be the medallion around my neck
an awkward ambiance will forever profuse from thy inner being
for those few brief moments forever was proven false
as the sun set, all worries and concerns became forgotten
the timeless smile and soul quenching eyes shown bright through the dim light


loss for words to continue

Quickie

Sitting amongst my peers, waiting for lecture to commence.
Not much else to talk about.

Breathe.... Carolina!

I swear to god I won't stop, until, you're shakin

e
p
i
c

JB is

:)

Step 1

Busy busy busy with school
Hectic semester so far
However I am enjoying it thoroughly
I am currently involved with several clubs for my college
I am a member of MSCANS (Macon State College Association of Nursing Students) and I serve on the board as the Legislative Director. I also am a member of NSNA (National Student Nurses' Association), MSCANS is apart of NSNA. Since I am on the board I get to got to the state and national conventions for NSNA, and while there I get to be a delegate and do my thing in the political arena as we discuss/debate legislation we would like to see introduced on the National Congressional level.
I also am a member of the Student Governmental Body, representing my field of study. They call me a Senator, cool stuff.
But perhaps my most favorite is English Students Organization. no, not for english people, but the study of English and Literature. Sadly, their major study last year was Lolita, SADNESS. But once I heard that I knew I had to join, this year our major focus is Edgar Allen Poe. Joy. Bliss. Happiness.
Today was all day lecture for my nursing classes, as well as club day. Hectic yes. But I did enjoy walking from booth to booth with Melissa collecting all the free items, as well as chatting with people at my booth for MSCANS.
Off for the next two days, however I will be studying the majority of time. Multiple tests this upcoming week and I have to work the weekend.
Overall a great week. Had fun spending time with a few of my teachers outside of the classroom, yes I know I am a kiss-up, but how else would I be able to get away with the things I do in class :) But on the real, I do like to get to know my teachers and establish some form of a bond/teach-student relationship. It can only behoove me in the future.
Yesterday was the longest day of the semester. Clinicals at Central State hours away, then back in town to meet with my older adult for my older adult module/project, back to Macon campus for the MSCANS meeting, lasting the better part of 4 hours. And always the after-class paperwork and review. However, I do not have any complaints. I enjoyed every minute. This semester has made me happy, with everything. Good stuff, with only more to come. Off to study.

De là-haut

"maybe there's a god above, but all i ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. its not a cry that you hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken hallelujah."

AU

Had a great time out at the Aurbun game
Met some awesome folks
I still love Tebow and our Gators, but I would def accept the opportunity to go and see another game
Interesting night
I was able to observe people unwinding
Lawls
Dallas
Sleep is what occurs now

<3

Tim Tebow

Title

School has been going well. I am enjoying my courses and my classmates actually. The few guys in the program all initially appear genuine and non-homo. After the first 2 weeks I seem to be in pretty good standing with with everyone, meaning I fit in. Childish as it may seem it is something I value. I have always had a diminished view and opinion of myself. Especially upon entering middle school. I thoroughly enjoyed my elementary school days; life was good; I was the coolest kid on campus. I was smart, funny, and the fast white runner. Field day was by far my most valued and favorite day in the school year. For some reason at the age I was not aware of any faults I had. I was confident in my intellectual abilities, achieving success on the Focus Quiz Bowl and Logic teams; success in my popularity; well liked by my peers and educators; awkward situations were an unheard event. Something happened during the transition from 5th grade to 6th grade. Something more than just changing from an Elementary to a Middle school. They say a person who has dementia will never notice until their routine changes. Frequently I reminisce on such a period of transition in hopes of remembering an event which will divulge the information explaining what forced me to respond in such a manner. To this day I have no valid rationale. I only know I was not comfortable with my "self" during my middle school and high school days. I became aware at how bad my speaking skills were, and of course my hormone and stress-induced acne only weighed down upon me forcing me into a shell of isolation. I abandoned my God-given gifts of intelligence; forsaking all that had been granted to thine. My lack of self-confidence only hinder my ability to excel in sports. For some reason I was terrified of playing on the same team as my teammates. I assumed to be inferior to their ability levels, striving to earn some display of gratification from the coaching staff, only to find myself failing when my number was called. I sunk into a pit of isolation and despair. I had completely lost all faith in myself. Granted I would achieve minimal strides of regaining self-dignity, only to watch them vanish as I stuttered helplessly attempting to spit out a classical Josh retort, or stop to actually examine my appearance in the mirror. I cannot tell you the one event which eliminated these self-induced delusions. Oddly and ironically enough if was change which I had feared so intently which sprung a soul free from despair. I still do fear change, citing that no one ever changes, and the more we attempt to change the closer we return to who we actually are. I do believe change is a good event in life, and even to some extent a required one. I do enjoy my present collegiate days. I find myself successful. I no longer am afraid to go off alone: walking to class, arriving to my destination before others, sitting in the library; I actually find such events relaxing and self-defining. I find the fact that my fellow classmates are drawn to me, I no longer seek to fulfill friendships to define my self-worth. These people genuinely desire to be my friend, to seek my company. I couldn't care less about the females in my class wanting to be friends, it was the males who I was concerned with "fitting in." To my surprise we all gel in a jolly good fashion. I do not feel pressure to be funny, or do things to prove my place among them is warranted. I find myself being, well, myself. I find myself engaging in conversations with males and females, both without fear or second guessing. I no longer an anxious or nervous about beginning a conversation with one of my classmates, and I often find myself talking with someone new each class. No I am not ego maniac or self absorbed pompous ass nor a cocky frat boy. I happily discover myself talking to females whom I have had several classes with, but never spoke a word to. After our first big exam I was invited to go out to eat and have drinks, I politely denied their request, however it did make my day. I do find joy in the little things, and in my own success. Granted I do still believe I can improve as far as my physical appearance is concerned, and of course I do not love my smile, nor my skin, but for the most part they all are improving. I am respect by my peers and instructors and I am place importance on the work I am doing. I am able to stay happy. While yes there are aspects of the past which I do miss, some more dearly than others, I no longer let such memories dictate my moods. I have been a firm believer in not using medication to resolve feelings and such, and so far through my endeavors I have been successful. I used to always say I would never write about my joy or my happiness because it always seems to be taken away from me. But here it is, a post declaring my happiness, well, contentness sprinkled with joy and peace, lol.


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
why does my m key attempt to break free from my keyboard? I do not like having to firmly press it into it's place
of all keys which receive wear, I would not expect the m key to show it first.
There are so many other letters which I use more frequently: j, o, c, p... lol

A higher power? I am starting to believe in such

I have missed posting my thoughts in a somewhat cryptic fashion. I just do not have the time, an abundance of potential writing topics and ideas continually proliferate my thoughts, the hands on the clock only run far too quickly. I do however find myself maturing each and everyday, in various areas of course, but the end result is an overall maturation. I preach change never occurs, and to some extant I do agree with such a statement. I find change occurs in a cyclic fashion, that is one can change, but one the maximal point of alterations occur, said person begins returning to a previous state. Several of the cyclic patterns can occur simultaneously and at varying degrees. For example, a person can be achieving optimal change in the area of theoretical understanding, while regressing to a state of lower social interaction. or, such changes can both be occurring toward a similar destination, but at different rates. i.e. A person's belief of self worth can be increasing at the same time as said person improves ability to communicate, with one achieving optimal outcomes more rapidly than the other. External factors of course act upon such changes and restrict growth from forever inclining, which of course would lead to severe cases of mania, resulting in some for of homicide on the person by an outside force ( a completely manic person being killed by a man with a short temper and low threshold for such actions).

Blah, when I am not falling asleep I shall amend and improve such thoughts, just one of a multitude of thoughts and concepts I possess. Others would include cancer being contagious, which is TRUE!!! Cancer is derived from the inability of the body's (host) immune system to eliminate multiplying cancer cells. Of course such a deficiency would be the direct result of the body attempting to create an anti-body to some sort of an infect, more specifically a virus. A virus attacks the host, the host automatically responds with a cascade effect eventually resulting with the production of anti-bodies. Through some fashion or mechanism (perhaps inadequate development of T and B cells in the thyroid due to birth defects) these anti-body cells can no longer distinguish self from not. Resulting in the inability to prevent rapid growth of infect cancer cell. Oh, and whenever in the past I have said that everyone has cancer, yes I was correct again. Everyone has cancer cells, but it is NK Cells (Natural Killing Cells) when monitor and restrict cancer cells from growing abnormally and abundantly, because we all need some bad elements to create balance and a state of homeostasis. Of course these cells are altered by anti-bodies and response mechanisms resulting in the high concentration of defenses in specified locations. Once again, once these mechanisms become impaired or deficient, they can no longer successfully prevent the abundant growth of cancer cells (that is in the case of cancer) (some cancer types that is). This is also similar to auto immune diseases, which cancer is now being closer related to.

Just a few of several, as I begin to think back on various accusations and proposals I made in previous conversations in life, I begin to analyze them for accuracy. I find such dealings fun. Then I fall asleep, that's how most nights go, of course that is when I am not mulling over some desired psychiatric experiment or hypothesis.

My time has become limited, so I am not exactly positive of when future posts shall occur. I do somewhat enjoy my silence. But the thoughts continually run through my head, surprisingly I do not receive the amount of joy from such trivial internet games as one would originally propose; however, such a statement does not mean I find them, comforting? yeah I guess such a word would be accurate. Substitution for such interaction will suffice. This is also why I enjoy silence, I never realized how easily I can sound like s creeper, not cool at all. The end result in my humiliation, so perhaps ceasing will occur. sleep now. wait i shall.

- Joshua Buchanan

And I'm

Josh Buchanan

Enjoys rainfall and meteor showers.
School resumes promptly on Tuesday, online classes on Monday
15 hours, great stuff. Dean's List once again shall be my goal, among a few others...
Outlook appears promising.
One Year of working at the hospital is quickly approaching, along with my 21st birthday.
I am getting old
Work hard now and retired as soon as I can
Hopefully social security will still be there, but I doubt it
Damn Obama has spent more money so far than Bush had his entire Presidency
Fuck-ups in the White House, if only he would show his white half all the time
Yay for town hall meetings
I do hope we have on in town, I will be in attendance
Not so much to voice my opinion, granted I will if the chance presents itself, but more so just to experience the ordeal
Christians get all mad and forget about their beliefs and such
Oddly enough, speaking of religion....
Why oh why


Inglorious Bastards = joy (Brad Pitt) :)

Peace

Allusions

Another day of facing reoccurring disorders, I find it somewhat ironic as I come across them while pouring over my nursing books. I am pleased to be taking psychiatric nursing this semester along with the assigned clinical. Originally I was faced with having to drive to Central State every Monday and having to arrive no later than 730, to my delight, my schedule was changed to a Friday clinical at Houston Medical Center. My fundamentals of nursing clinical is slated for Wednesdays at the Perry Hospital, where I currently am employed, I wonder how such a feat was arranged... I do enjoy working for my boss, doing such results in wonderful advantages. One could say I am blessed or lucky to have my schedule pan out in such a fashion, I personally just go with it. I have never know failure when I attempt success, as far as education is concerned. Yes I have failed classes in high school, but damn, that was my own personal decision, I mean I went from making A's in my honors classes to making 40s. Now I am back to my A status so to speak. I have only been granted a quick taste of success concerning sports; softball mainly. Perhaps such deprivation is the causative agent for my vigorous and soul-consuming involvement. As an individual I am successful, the downfall of team sports is just that; it is a team effort. Offers to play in Macon and for traveling teams have been met with denial, education comes first, sadly. I do not precisely know how to accurately depict and describe the allure of performing on the field of play. It is a sensation like none other. I come face to face with my demons and vanquish them, if only for an brief period of respite. For it seems one source demands exclusive rights to my thoughts, or better yet my conscious, for it already owns my preconscious, and my unconscious runs wild with excitement. I know I will never be sane again, even if somehow I do accomplish achieving my personal longings. Actually, yes, if such an act would be granted to come to fruition I would be let down from my cross, hopefully never to return. Sadly, I currently have a ladder placed at my feet and my extremities are loosed; however I refuse to come down and rest in the open arms. Despicable. Such acts scar me on the inside. Pathetic is how I would best describe a state. While I do consider myself somewhat of an expert at psychoanalysis, I fail to determine the root of cause for these feelings. Everyone else I can embody and predict their future events and produce reasoning and unconscious motivations, yet for me in this area when I open my minds eye and peer into thought, I am met with nothingness. Revelations made regarding my mannerisms appear on a weekly basis, allowing myself to corrector refine such behaviors; however, I simply do not know why or how I became engrossed and entangled. lol, that actually reminds me of a lyric from a Maroon 5 song. Yes I am able to make light if such a state, but it always seem to return with a fierce vengeance, hellbent on permanently remaining. I loathe every aspect pertaining to it ( I also hate using the word it, but I did not feel the need to go back and state the aforementioned predicament, so "it" will do). The sun rises and brings about a fresh day. For the moment I supersede the limits of joy and fill each day to the brim with pleasure cheer. The moments of drought in which my cup becomes dry are the moments wherein I grimace and realize who, better yet, what I am. Thirsty, yet all I receive is a sponge of vinegar.

Gadgets

Good band/song.
Hanging out down in Florida, would love for a re before school resumes.
I have been looking at back to school electronics because I have some unhealthy obsession with have the best gadgets and highest price. I want an ereader, and the Kindle DX looks to be the best, it reads textbooks, which what I covet the most. I also am tired of writing my class notes with a pencil/pen on paper. I can npt help but feel sadden for the tree community, giving their lives so that I may doodle in class, attempting to appear busy and actively involved in the learning process. I am in the market for a digital voice recorder and perhaps tablet for note taking, eventually a new laptop shall be required. Ah money makes the world go around. Perfect rewards for my enduring labor. Eventually I do hope for some sort of pocket device which holds and displays books, notes, and recorder lectures and items of the sort' for the sole reason of having it on when while in the field of work, a sort of quick reference database all at your fingertips with the ease of pocket storage coupled with and durable tough screen. That would be the perfect invention for myself. I could import all of my textbooks, scan and transfer all of my vital notes/handouts, quickly bring up recorded lectures , access the internet and watch videos. Perhaps this is already been introduced as a cell phone, damn Mac, but if not then I would graciously incorporate such a device into my daily use. Damn, the more I think about it the more it sounds like an iPhone or a PDA blackberry of the sort. Damn Mac. But I shall research such devices, It would be cool to have all need or desired information with me at all times, especially in the medical field. I cannot tell you how many times I have been at work when a question arises and I am forced to consult books, not that I care because I do oh so love reading through material, it is just a laborious process, especially with the restricted internet capabilities implemented at the hospital. But enough on that matter.

Soccer is starting to kick into full swing. Man U plays Chelsea for the Community Shield, officially kicking off the Premier League season. C Ronaldo is absent from the Red Devils' squad this season, but several eager players are jumping at the opportunity to fill his sweaty, but sexy shoes. I am most excite to watch Michael Owen's attempt to do just that. The leading international goal scorer for England is ready to prove the doubters wrong and to bring the old faithful at Trafford to their feet. I do hope to be able to wwatch several of the matches. Damn I need to jog some more.

Another day down here in the sun, beach tomorrow, pool tonight.Back to studying.

Vacation

Finally

I miss softball

"As greater authors than I have put it: "Let readers imagine" etc. On second thought, I may as well give those imaginations a kick in the pants. I knew I had fallen in love... forever; but I also knew she would not be forever... and then, into a "college girl" - that horror of horrors. The word "forever" referred only to my own passion, to the eternal Lolita as reflected in my blood. The Lolita whose iliac crest had not yet flared," (actually they have, to the extreme, back to the quote) "the Lolita that today I could touch and smell and hear and see, the Lolita of the strident voice and the rich brown hair - of the bangs and the swirls at the sides and the curls at the back, and the sticky hot neck, and the vulgar vocabulary, that Lolita, my Lolita."
-Vladimir Nabokov Lolita


Good stuff,
I have been reading several poems by Anne Sexton
Starry Starry Night is one of particular interest. After scanning over this poem several times, as well as various others by her, I began to research her background and history, only to find it having an abrupt end.

Oh the small, insignificant aspects of life which bring me joy, however it was one particular act, dare I say it was done with intent, which brought a smile to my face.

I do miss trivia night at Buffalo's, work has consumed me, 4 nights a week for a few weeks until school starts back. Yay for money. I just want school to start back up, more than ever.

Poker later on tonight. Poke her? I hardly even know her, lawls
it is never early for saving the french, In Antwort chéri

Lo

Overtly, I had so-called normal relationships with a number of terrestrial women having pumpkins or pears for breasts; inly, I was consumed by a hell furnace of localized lust for every passing nymphet whom as a law-abiding poltroon I never dared approach. The human females I was allowed to wield were but palliative agents. I am ready to believe that the sensations I derived from natural fornication were much the same as those known to normal big males consorting with their normal big mates in that routine rhythm which shakes the world. The trouble was that those gentlemen had not, and I had, caught glimpses of an incomparably more poignant bliss. The dimmest of my pollutive dreams was a thousand times more dazzling than all the adultery the most virile writer of genius or the most talented impotent might imagine.
- Lolita by Nabokov


He vows to fly self-banished from the land,
Nor stay to bring upon his house the curse
Himself had uttered; but he has no strength
Nor one to guide him, and his torture's more
Than man can suffer, as yourselves will see.
For lo, the palace portals are unbarred,
And soon ye shall behold a sight so sad
That he who must abhorred would pity it.


I shall provide writings of my own once finals have passed. Perhaps some honesty, perhaps a show, hence indirectly my mind discovers peace, Jehovah Saves she who is Pure, woe our death was premature

If just for once I could




then I would




with the utmost haste




find us interlaced

Be-low

Damn how I despise having a runny nose. If I were to be confined within the walls of my cozy home the current predicament would not be in existence. The instant I place myself among the population of the public I immediately become aware of the severity of excess mucous. Perhaps such notations are an amplification created within the rabid dimensions of my brain, but with every nostril inhale, the sound generated is sufficient enough to quite literally 'wake the dead.' An apparent method of avoiding such self-induced phobia would be to buffet the plethora of viscous immunities properly into a tissue which is easily disposed; however, the logistics behind such actions deem impossible for I to overcome. For such relief activity to commence I would first have to remove myself for the viewing vicinity of other human beings; forcing myself to publicly rise up from my dwelling of learning, walk under the scrutiny of my piers towards the gateway of exodus, then proceed to wait for a clearing in the hallway allowing for adequate isolation.

incomplete
bored between classes with a bothersome runny nose
during the summer time to boot

Before bed

Random thoughts and incomplete opinions shall constitute the majority of this blog. I do believe I will start to keep a notebook next to me as I sleep, curiosity is the leading rational behind this decision. I find dreams fascinating, I would love to achieve the ability of controlling lucid dreams, well, experiencing one first would be a priority. The logistics and possibilities associated with lucid dreams continues to entice me. Ahh it is the enticing allure which I consider to be my downfall. I do believe I would be ok if I only limited my ventures to others. The predictability of others dulls my preoccupation towards reactions, thus I must introduce myself as an additional experimental group. I'm glad I don't research Aids, lol.

Microbiology has consumed the majority of my time, I do find the course interesting. I would like the chance to take the course over an actual semester instead of a condensed, fast-paced summer course. I do begin the nursing core classes this fall. Sam has been accepted at the last minute, yay..... I get to witness him and Lauren, only this time I will not refrain from stating my opinions and thoughts, no censorship. I do not care to embody a front. I will not mock nor belittle them for their beliefs, nor jump in and present my thoughts, but if I am asked then I will produce all too willingly. I do not expect to be all buddy and study sessions with them as I have been in previous semesters. As always I will attempt to refrain from jumping in and making friends and all which encompasses such an action, if I met and befriend people along the way then so be it. I only desire to excel in my studies and achieve success. The rest shall follow.

I am anticipating the upcoming soccer season, however there never seems to be a break or an off season. With international play and various tournaments, soccer is on nearly everyday of the year, which brings me joy! Still a Man U fan at heart. I will be eagerly and full of pride cheering for the USA international team. I expect a gold cup win over this summer! FIFA has been the xbox game of choice, in the rare free time I am granted with. I do miss elder scrolls. I would like to buy the UFC games, but I do not have enough free time and would loathe the distraction.

I do wish I could remember my exact thoughts before I enter into the alpha wave sleep. Hence the appearance of a log detailing the exact dreams. I would like to see if these thoughts influence the dreams which follow.

I really want a microscope and a telescope. My desire to see is amazing. I would find a telescope relaxing. Finding a remote abandoned location around dusk, and then proceeding to observe nature and the wonders of the unknown. I can not think of anything more relaxing.


*edit
upon further thought and consideration, I am looking forward to meeting back up with Lauren and Sam. I shall not harbor any hostilities toward them and hopefully we all can make it through this first semester, but no being slain in the Spirit for me, lol.

Forgot

SO apparently I never blogged regarding the topic we received from our instructor last Monday, so here's to make-ups. We began a poetry study and each were given a poem to interpret and discuss what the poem meant to us. The Journey by Mary Oliver is the hand dealt to my by fate. Overlooking the lack of stanzas and structure, I begin to read the poem. No rhythm nor rhyme scheme, the poem however does end with a double couplet, forgive me if I do not know the correct terminology for such. We are not supposed to analyze the poem but rather declare what the poem means to us, so I will end such endeavors and focus upon the task at hand. After rereading the poem several times I find myself at the same conclusion: selfishness. The tone is definitely not one possessed by a person emitting a Savior complex. The poem is overflowing with imagery and personification. The basic end result is that of ignoring the problems of others in a cold and dark word, and just focus one's self and "save the only life you could save," yours. Oddly enough, I do not care for this poem. Now I know there are several additional aspects from which one could view this poetic work and several conclusions which can be drawn, such as what type of journey is the author on? Is it an emotional or physical journey? Is she giving up on all others because someone important to her has given up on her, and if so why? On and on and on...

Haiku

uselessly I try
to forget the face of love,
life is but a lie


by me josh b

English Class

Currently, as I create this post, I am sitting amongst my peers, well, fellow schoolmates, in my ENGL 1102 class. The topic of discussion presented regards poetry. AN overwhelmingly interesting and sincere subject to thine, however I find myself stricken with silence and fastidiously working on this post. The infallible syllabus conjures up a future assignment involving the oral presentation of home made poetry, translated as I need to compose a new work of writing. But why not dig deep withing the recesses of my laptop and various journals and present to the student body one of those? Well, because I do not desire for these feeble minded persons access to the inner workings and laborious processes occurring withing the safety borders of my skull. More than likely I will assimilate several writings and incorporate them into a new hybrid, which of course much brighter overtones, preferably a writing which will easily present one theme or conclusion, to the foreign mind, with a much deeper, complex and profound meaning, and I assume none with recognize nor give a second thought. This is how I generate my pleasure, comments pertaining to, " I read your writings and they never make sense," or, "somehow you write alot and I come away knowing nothing." This is how I generate pleasure and bliss. An inquiring mind, seeking answers to questions is what my heart longs for. Just ask. Simple.

Yes, we are to write an analysis over a poem, happiness.

Lost

This is our best chance
-There is no chance, just look at where we are
I'm not going to give up, I promised
-It's ok, I'm letting you off the hook. Let me go...
I'm sorry
-Don't be


Caught between a heart and a noose
Where shall I turn when both fail
Looking for love turned obtuse
fate and love; economies of scale

by me josh b

Wednesday

Apparently now we are receiving blog topics at the commencement of each class.
As I have been lax in my postings this can only be a positive change.
Even though , well, never mind
Softball has been an up and down emotional experience
Exactly what I have come to expect and love
Perhaps this reflects my personal life
I do seem to thrive and seek out emotional corruption and disorder
It is far to early in the day to begin commenting on psychology of my daily actions
But I do find myself being entirely and wholly consumed by my thoughts
Daily epiphanies have evolved into second nature
I come to expect them, not so much looking forward to them and seeking them out,
but just letting them present themselves as they may
Phenomenal day of softball Tuesday night
After being defeated Monday night in the opening game of the tournament, we faced a must win situation
We were able to overcome and early deficit and win confidently 19-10
Our reward: another game in ten minuets
This game however was not a game, the outcome was determined in just 3 innings
We were the victors, 20-5.
Great success
We play on Thursday against a team who had been previously undefeated until last night when they lost to the current undefeated team in our bracket.
I am eager to play and get back on to the field
Injuries and all are thrown carelessly to the waysides
This is playoff season, my time
I do see myself making an appearance at church after the completion of our current softball season
I do enjoy my fellow teammates, and in all honesty, I will miss them
ahahahah, no not really, and you;d be a fool to believe that was why I would show my face in church
Curiosity more than anything. I do plan on playing co-ed in the fall.
Originally I was going to play for the Hospital and for Westside, however there will be this little thing called nursing school I will be attending at the same time
So perhaps I will remain with just one team
Micro is proving to be an admirable challenge this summer semester
My instructor is brilliant in regards to the field in which she teaches
And she expects the same from us
She does however make it a point to establish continual eye contact with I during her lectures
An additional TB skin test has been preformed on me yesteray
Damn nursing school requirements
I have to run over to the Health Dept between classes today and get my shot records
God I hate that place
I have only been there twice
Hopefully I can receive my records and dip
I do not hate that place as a result of the few personal memories I have of it: Kawasaki's disease, early morning arrivals, little black kids rubbing their heads against the waiting room walls; no it is not these memories with create an utter taste of disdain, I just hate people at free clinics.
Every little Mexican jumping bean seems to be their with their small tribe of yelling soccer playing children
And I do believe they hold a daily, even hourly Obama rally in the waiting room
Lights are on, but it's dark up in that bitch
lol
I actually do not care about race, people are just always running around in that place and the small is truly something beyond words
Such fond memories of an unfaithful partner
As if I did not know
I have completely ignored the blog topic for the day, so let me get to it son

Cell phones: Should they be allowed in class?

This does however seem like an essay topic for one the numerous high school tests we were mandated and even threatened to pass. In high school they should be allowed but not to be on, and only to be used in cases of emergencies. Eggs need to focus on receiving whatever education they can, shit, they could even be President one day if The Man lets them again. Gotta keep the forced laborers happy. I'm sure the plantation owners did the same back in the day, throw some chicken their way after the harvest of a bountiful crop, or grant an afternoon off for the attendance of a local watermelon festival. So yes I'm saying rich white American allow the White House to become somewhat less white, after all, he IS half white, so at least he is half right. Oh, cell phones. High school: yes but off and not out and about in public view, and no blue tooth devices. I can even begin to describe how irritating it is to see a blue gum walking around with a blue tooth talking obnoxiously loud in regards to, " I tolds him, I said I said, ain't no way I'm bringing extra for his boys, he betta put a rang on my finga if he wants the goodies, my shit is tight gurl." Yes, no joking. And then I look despairingly to my left and notice a male going by the name of "tater." Yes, tater. I can only assume it is a derivative from the carbohydrate word "potato." Cam pants, bass pro shops shirt, some random rifle brand hat with a fishing hook displayed proudly at the forefront, freckles scattering his pasty white skin, boots made to trump any muddy conditions thrown upon them, all of this accentuated with a lovely wad of chewing tobacco protruding from his check as if a baby where three short seconds away from delivery. As I pass I hear, " well, maybe that last bottle of Jim Bean should of been left in the truck, I found myself chasing after little E(his dog) and damn near drowning in the lake. Never did I find my pants." wtf? I mean, really. I had to follow this guy around for the fifteen minutes as he retold this even to his over weight friend who I assume played a role in the local production of Deliverance. In closing, cell phones in school=restrictions but allowed, cell phones out of school, priceless.

between classes

within an instant all is lost
joy, hunger, peace, and shame
do the results outweigh the cost
all in fun, done as a game
true love, life's lion to tame


by me, josh b

Questions

It has been several days since my previous post. Life has been good, bearable. Softball has been going along fine. My team is in order to win our division, a feat which has not been accomplished in a very long time. Our tournament begins next week and I am eagerly looking forward to its commencement. I have batted 19-24 the past 6 games. Something I am extremely proud of. My teammates have begun to take notice and frequently comment me accordingly; however, my response is always consistent:" no, we all played good." Yeah I know, not a characteristic people think of in regards to me concerning softball or any competitive sport for that matter. Sadly I know the season is almost at an end. I shall seek out active leagues and do all I can in order to play, oh how I just want to play. I love the game. I love the passion which i emit while on the field. The joy I receive from rounding third base and heading home. The look of pure awe on opponents faces after successfully throwing a runner out from deep in the grass. The smiles on my teammate's face as I return to the dugout. Yes, it is this sport in which my soul finds peace. I would not trade my bruised and battered shins for any aspect or belonging in the world.

At night I dream. My appetite has returned. My mind, well, it never stops running; but when I need to sleep, it gracefully takes a rest allowing me to do the same. I am no longer haunted by farce aberrations, this divine intervention which has been bestowed upon me is a pleasant surprise. One I do enjoy and cherish. One I would not trade for any other. Things go without saying?, well I need to hear things said for things to be, well, things. If I can have any chance of being happy then why not take it? WHy should I remain stuck in neutral while the world continues past in high gear? Shall I wait upon a perch for a master to return home who has no longer any desire to do so? Will I hang myself upon a tree in order to receive the attention of billions who do not care for me? No, I think not. However, the company is nice. The games, or better yet psychological endeavors, shall subside for the moment. No longer will my actions be driven my faulty and somewhat psuedo motives.

I do at times wish this blog had become what I now want for it to be: a secret place to just type my thoughts and comments on life. But from it's initial inception it never had a chance for such glory. As much as I enjoy finding solitude in my thoughts and prevent others from peering in, I do seem to present a window. Never a clean or clear window, but enough for an outside to distinguish the outlines of objects in motion within. For once I would like to wrong. For my thoughts and predictions to fail miserably. Why can't there be an event which happens out of sheer circumstance, out of the blue, luck as they call it. Hmmmmm, perhaps I have that now. Is there some possibility I could accredit this, luck, to a higher power? Could I have created such an event out of thin air? Do I really need to increase my ego? Regardless of how and why events have accumulated to now, I am happy with them. Ty.

Blah, this post is not a deep one. Take it at face value for I have not put any effort into intertwining subliminal messages withing. Just posting to receive credit in class, if I can sit down and find something to write about with passion and vigor, then I shall post and glorify it.



yeah nothing, no poetry shall come from within this morning
several pathetic attempts only confirm my belief that I am happy
Write about joy and your smile they say
No my dear, such is not my style


Oh, so we have received back our essays from last week, we are supposed to reread them and then blog about our thoughts and opinions about our own writing. While I always believe I can write a better paper, I am happy with the analysis I provided regarding the topic. I do wish I could have had longer to complete the assignment, well actually, a more detailed assignment. I could write all day on literary devices used by writers. I do believe I could have turned this assignment into a term paper instead of a brief overview of the main examples. However, I decided to ignore the blatant examples, and decipher the underlying feats. here are some questions we are supposed to answer in this blog post:

Does it "read well"? Fluently? Clearly? Is it complete and concise?
Yes, yes, yes, and yes.
I believe achieving a concise and fluent paper is a vital aspect of any paper. It also should carry over to everyday conversation. I have not yet perfected that transition. I do believe the paper is complete in what I was asked to write over.\

Did you say what you meant to say?
Yes, if not, then why bother writing?

well, she has taken down the remaining questions we were assigned to address. I believe she wanted them to be used more as guidelines. I know how I feel about my writing abilities: they can always improve, and I wish to add to my vocabulary. A feat proving to be arduous this morning due to a tired brain. I do hope my instructor provides me with much advice on how to improve my writing, I will not become hurt my her opinion. I do respect her and am eager to grow as a writer. Damn, the questions are back up.

What are your strengths in writing that you did well in this paper?
I believe i present a clearly thought out and organized paper. My ability to incorporate vocabulary, along with insight, within my writing only increases the efficiency with which I write.

What aspects of your writing would you like to improve, based upon the paper you have written?
As always I believe everything within my writing can be improved, and I hope to achieve this desire. Without the aid from a computer equipped with spell check my writings would be illegible and a joke. I seek to improve my vocabulary skills and knowledge in the literary/grammar field. Any aspect one can think of, I would like to improve.


that is the end of the questions. Life is good, and for once, I do not seek answers to why, no more questions. I am done.

Circle

free to be, free to see
One aft, one foe
til i sleep, til i weep
your heart and soul, shall i keep



by me, josh b

Martha

He was realistic about it. There was that new harshness in his stomach.
No more fantasies, he told himself.
Henceforth, when he thought about Martha, it would only be to think that she belonged elsewhere. He would shut down the daydreams. This was not Mount Sebastian, it was another world, a place where men died because of carelessness and gross stupidity.
Briefly, in the rain. Lieutenant Cross saw Martha's gray eyes gazing back at him.
He understood.
It was very sad he thought. The things men carry inside. The things men did or felt they had to do.
He almost nodded at her, but he didn't.
Instead he went back to his maps. He was now determined to perform his duties firmly and without negligence.
- from, "The Things They Carried, by Tim O'Brien


Let me say again, I immensely enjoy our literature selections in my English class. My instructor wants me to seek out a minor in English. Such high aspirations I have created within my mind. I honestly desire to sit, read and discuss literature with my English professor. She emits a pure and genuine love for English. this is the lone reason for my decision to take her class at 730 in the morning, on a Monday. Ahhhhhh, the more we discuss O'Brien's work and the subtle meanings and literary devices he uses the more i fall in love with Literature and English.

Psychology later on in the afternoon. I always am enticed by the potential discussions and topics open for debate.

I am first in my Baseball fantasy league!! This is my first attempt at playing fantasy baseball, and I am overjoyed with the current results. I am overjoyed with the current results in life! I know I have stated I would refrain from expressing my emotional joy and the few happiness's in life, as far as relations are concerned, but ty Candice, ty.


All at once we were madly, clumsily, shamelessly, agonizingly in love with each other; hopelessly, I should add, because that frenzy of mutual possession might have been assuaged only by our actually imbibing and assimilating every particle of each other's soul and flesh; but there we were...
- from "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov

Class

I find my fellow classmates utterly useless and continually epitomizing the definition. After careful observation, I have only found one student to be somewhat interesting; he is an odd and unique fellow to say the least. Caucasian skin covered with artistic ink designs; symmetrical piercings in each ear, the circumference of each rivals nothing I have witnessed in my short existence; a deliberate and educated thought process is evident whenever he opens his mouth and presents an opinion. He is a rather curious and intriguing creature. He provides validity to the quote, " You cannot judge a book by its cover." However the rest of the student body is completely worthless. Mentally, the open conversations are a bore, and generally I remain silent and successfully predict who is state and what and so forth. Do not misconstrue what I am saying, the material covered in class consumes my thoughts immensely, and I am ready for the challenge this summer proposes. Time for Lab. Peace.



Lolita ftw
ty Kw and Dallas for turning my interest towards this literature. Epic rofls

Exit Ahead

I can just stand up, and leave
Ending it all
Never to return

26 (5)

Continuing affairs interrupt transcending love. Incredulous nuances
levy ostentatious odium. Knavish
degeneracy ejaculates elenchical perspectives. Elicit repudiations
allow nefarious deeds .
Neoteric occurrences tattoo I, cultivating eternity

by me, josh b

Lolita

Tuesdays and Thursdays are Microbiology days
10:00 to 3:30, with 10 mins between lecture and lab
Oh joy....
Actually don't believe that BS, I am truly excited
Possibly because I am forced to interact with my fellow students while in lab
Something I openly despise, but still I am drawn by my curiosity to create new friendships
Friendships which will only last for the duration of the summer semester
The few partners I had in my spring semester classes, well, I just do not talk with them anymore
They have served their purpose, and it would be foolish to attempt to remain in contact with them, but oddly I do wish them success in life, and I were to see them randomly around town I would stop and chat. Something I do not do for many
My books finally arrived yesterday afternoon, well, 3 out of the 4 have. I currently am still waiting for my Psychology text to arrive.
Ah Psychology
A topic which consumes the vast majority of my day, thoughts, and actions
This would be the class I am most excited about taking, if only I could take an astronomy class, my desires would be complete.
I do believe I will buy a telescope eventually
But returning to psychology
My professor seems to be, interesting to say the least
But not for a Psych teach, actually he is exactly how I would expect a Psych instructor to be
Self-proclaimed genius, evolutionist, thinks outside of the box, anti-church/God, and so forth
I am anticipating the class discussions over the vast array of ethical issues he has announced will be brought up in class: gay rights, religious beliefs, theory of evolution, euthanasia, among others.
As I look around the class I do not see many who I deem as passionate about their beliefs, which makes me a little sad, because I do not want to be just engaging the professor in a continual debate
However as the class progressed there were several students who gave their two cents regarding topics, potential yes!
Ohh, and the guy has to be mixed with German! Score again!
I could continue all day in regards to Psychology and my joy for the subject, but I believe I will stop here
Well, after this next statement of course
Today, since 00:00, I have begun an experiment
Truly an experiment that will test my will and fortitude
Not I am not embarking on this trial because I think what I am doing is wrong and I need to stop and blah blah blah
I am curious to see the outcome and ultimately learn about my resilience and determinatio
So Day 1 it is....
At the wonderful hour of 07:30. my English class commences
Damn traffic heading toward 2 47 almost resulted in my tardiness
I will be forced to take an alternate route
I am also excited about ENGL
I selected to take this early class because of the teacher
She is the only English teacher I have had in college
And I find her absolutely excellent
Plus she likes me, and that always works for my advantage
I did wish to remain relatively low key the first day, but it did not take her long to use my name in analogies and to point out my write skills in regards to papers
Which I made all A's on in her class last semester
I am excited for the literature slated for this semester
Oedipus will constitute the majority of our finaly
Pure Joy!!
WE will be having a unit on poetry, drama, various short stories, all complete with papers, presentations, and class discussions
And this class seems to love class discussions
Which is something English class lacked in the Spring
Of course at the conclusion of class I had to stop and have a conversation with the instructor, conveying to her my excitement and joy for this semester
Yes, a kiss up, I know
And to top off a great of class, there is nothing better than a softball game
And damn was it hot
I normally pride myself on my physical condition and I never sit on the bench between innings nor do I feel sluggish while on the field
But damn, yesterday was rough
It was out first game back after two weeks of rain-outs
I played the entire game in right center, and by the 4th inning I was like, mas aqua por favor
But it was a great game nonetheless
final score 22-10
I was moved from the lead off hitter to 3rd in the batting lineup
I went 5for 5, with 2B, 3 RBI, 3R and had an epic collision at the plate, which I was safe/ Poor little hoco kid. I played a flawless game in the outfield and even had an outfield assist. Great stuff
I still look in the stands each game and visualize certain spectators being there
Odd i know
But what heart I have I leave out there on the field,
Every play I give it everything
It's how I battle my inner demons
And last night, I was victorious
I must say, I am close with this team
The genuine care and concern displayed by these Baptist continues to astound me
Even tho i do not attend the church like I have in the past, I find myself closer than ever with these men
And I do believe I care for each and everyone of them
The cheers i get from strangers in the stands
The young ones who remember my from youth show up and chant my name, knowing what kind of person I used to be
And at the conclusion of a game, when my fellow teammate opens up and states a hard time in his life and is brought to tears, I find myself, well, praying for his well-being
A rare act of genuine care and concern by me
Outside of work I should add
The last time I have even came close to showing care and affection would be, thurs night
I wanted to believe you, so badly, but yet, I couldn't
For that was just another night, with another person to be forgot in the morning
At least that's what I force myself to believe
I am ready to be thru with these emotions
I had been for oh so long
I'm just so ready for the new to beginning
I desperately want for it to work out
Anyone who can put up with my shit is a welcomed sight
Hopefully this weekend will work out
I do need it
Time to shower, and read over the chapters for Micro



"Lolita, light on my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.
She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.
Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, a certain initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style."
- excerpt from "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov

dream

"apparently your (dream) means you're trying to resolve an unsettled issue or internal conflict, and your boss represents some aspect of yourself, and you want to end a relationship or situation and you're repressing what you desire the most."

Interesting?
I think not
I find the most intriguing aspect is the fact I had a dream
However that fact is marginally diminished upon investigating as to why I had a dream
While I was still awake and writing last night, well actually this morning, I received a phone call from my boss at work asking me to come in and work the day-side shift
I made up some excuse and told her I would see what could be arranged and I would "get back to her."
Granted this was not the last thing on my mind before sleeping (that would be House since I was watching until i passed out), my subconscious must of have an issue with me lying and somewhat letting down my fellow employees and those sick patients who need my help in the ICU
This is my short and short explanation for the dream, but one cannot help but become curious after reading what others believe my dream to mean
Of course we all have multiple if not several unsettled and/or internal issues
I; pretty sure if I were to say self-conscious issues, self-esteem problems, depression, and anxiety issues, then I would guarantee at least one of these issues applies to each individual who are in relative age to mine
Moving on, the vast majority of humans have a relationship in which they want it to end
Whether it be between a lover, best friend, acquaintance, family member, addiction, or habits, the list can continue for a fortnight and eventually would strike home for each individual dead or living
And I represent what I desire the most
I find this the most puzzling aspect of my dream interpretation
For we all believe we know what we desire the most, but do we really know?
Sad to say, but at this moment I DO know what I desire most in life
And it is this knowledge which begins to explain much about me
Oh how I long for it....




btw
dreams do come true my friend
on more than one occasion as well...

Wake

School starts tomorrow morning at 730am
Which is incredibly early
Considering I have not gone to bed the past few nights until well later on in the morning
Summer was enjoyable while it lasted, to say the least
Softball game monday
I need to call work and get tomorrow night off
Maybe trade and work thursday night
I just want to play softball
It has been over 2 weeks since we have last played
And I need it
Badly
Damn it's freezing in my room
Time to put on some clothes and start the day, at 4 in the afternoon
I am sooo screwed for tomorrow

Peace

Soo I don't know what to type about. I don't really post things on here relating to being happy, so I shall refrain. Happiness is short lived, so the point I cannot i find. And God, I can;t convey how strongly I hate posts like these where I just go on and on about what is on my mind, blah, and since I have lost that "fire", this might be the last post for a while. I like to use this blog for Literary works of art. Which I make an attempt to produce on random accounts. Everything can be replaced. Farm Town is the new Tribal Wars. Summer by another. Statesborough the new Atlanta. Same emotions, different face onto which they are projected. Hesitating to say the least. I am content with things, and how they stack in life. Closing and book and beginning a new is always a good and healthy action to preform. blah blah blah blah just rambling on and on, I'll get a journal if I want to read my thoughts. I'll be back when I have that fire.

Josh

Bored

Sooo, nothing to do this morning/afternoon, so I shall blog thoughts
GLEE was a really good show, it came on after American Idol (I don't care who wins this season). I was just attempting to get on my dad's nerves by talking about wanting to watch it all day, but I was surprised at how good it really was, and he even liked it also. Sadly, the season won't official commence until the fall, uber sad face.

The Detroit Red Wings are kicking some ass, as usual. I am anxiously anticipating the NHL playoffs, with hopes of it being Detroit and Pittsburgh, oh how absolutely amazing that would be.

Man U has almost completed their soccer season, they have one more match left, the finals for some trophy or cup. I expect them to win, as always. They have won their 3 consecutive Premier League title. Oh how I long to see them play live at Old Trafford. AC Milan is coming to Atlanta to play sorry-ass Club America in a month or so, I do believe I shall make every attempt to be in attendance. I'll know about my classes today when I ride down to the college and make everything official for the summer semester. More than likely 11 hours :0 I am excited for my PSYC class!
*edit: just saw a commercial for MAN U, UEFA Cup finals v Barcelona May 27th 2;45! EPIC

Softball games, thursday and friday night! This week off has been grueling. I loathe not having any games for over a week. Hopefully people will be in attendance...

Terminator movie at midnight tonight, it shall be epic. A group of us are going. If it weren't Warner Robins and summer time, I do not know if I would be going to the midnight showing. That, and the fact that I got paid today, money to burn, well, on books that is. I'll be sooo relieved and happy when I receive Hope next semester.

I feel a trip to the boro is looming on the horizon. If bobby can ever get a few days in a row off. I thoroughly enjoyed myself hanging with Bobby and his crew, and I would enjoy hanging with Candice. My curiosity is more than elevated, the possibilities of, what if, and only if, are abundant. But she has been a large reason as to why I have been in a batter mood (emotionally and mentally I might add). As of now I am stuck here in Warner Robins, going to Macon State for nursing. I was surprised to be accepted into the program, I guess I shouldn't of KILLED my nursing entry exam. I'll get my associates degree and then that will begin the decision making. Transfer out or stay and finish my undergrad studies? If I do chose to stay I will, and yes, I hope you are sitting down, I will hope to apply to the University of Georgia for my grad studies. They are attempting to create a Medical wing and add it to their offered curriculum. Damn, what am I saying?

Sports sports sports, I cannot accurately convey how much I love them, yes I said love. Softball, NBA Playoffs, NHL Playoffs, Soccer Finals, MLB season, Lacrosse Finals, NBA Draft, yesss. All great things.

Ummmmm, what?

Like a disease i cut ties and quarantine
Minimal exposure results in horrific consquences
Oddly enough, once I have the itch, I lust for more
My body tries to fight, my sub conscious becomes victorious
Loose control, just let go
Fly free, blissfully, happily
The days go by one by one
Tine after time I tell myself I am done
This game no longer is fun
For what I've done and what you've done
Results in nothing less than a shun
Curious I venture out on limb
Peering into the future and all I see is dim
But for this night I will live on a whim
Imbibing what I can so i can loose all perception
God I don't care if I'm playing into your deception
For in your arms you could never do me no harm
As if I were in a dream, fuck hitting the alarm
I never want it to end but I can't just be a friend
You heart, just for one night will you lend?
No, I close my chest and put my emotions all back within
Take it on the chin, and stop pondering when
Same old story, same old song and dance
I don't want to be saved, who am I? France?
Yeah i just threw that in, with hopes to see you grin
A laugh here, a laugh there
Socialist, damn right I like to share
rofl, lamo, lol
I don't want a mac, dude I'm getting a dell!
There ain't no crime for this dope rhyme that I spit
Randomly throwing darts, hoping your target, I hit
For times back then were good, as they are now
The only difference is my best friend has down things with a cow
No name calling, no finger pointing, not playing that game
But damn, at least I can walk around with no shame
Shit, what am I talking about, this is starting to get lame
So on a final closing note, I'll end it with a rhyme
What will the future hold? All in good time

by me, josh b












Wow
This is why I don't listen to rap anymore

Texts from last night

LOLing the entire afternoon
great stuff

(206): I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
(1-206): Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

rainy days are nice
especially on sundays
when i have nothing else to do but watch sports
watched soccer earlier
then baseball
lakers are on now
KOBE!!!!

















(443): remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing

A night in the day of

Shotgun loaded for two placed within the mouth,
falling heavily to the ground; notice the light reflecting off my frozen eyes, swearing you saw me wink just before the concrete extends its arms,
catching the soulless organism overflowing with disdain,
the being is not Josh, for Josh checked out the moment you checked back in,
each sip replacing, refilling the vacant flesh,
subconsciously an apathetic suicidal misanthropic genius with a minor in misogynisim,
every time I release I relapse as my subconscious desires to end my existence, exposing thy brain is a task deregulated to the demoted,
peeling back the parietal lobes introduces cerebral matter drenched by the indescribable,
death quickly envelopes the curious onlooker,
as with the Ark of the Covenant; he who glances upon it shall fall dead where he stands,
insanity? Why can’t it just be vanity?
A infinite chess game, every action based on reason,
a night remembered only by those who depict the events back to me,
why add additional memories those I lock away so intently?
Already having taken a literal walk down memory lane,
I never noticed the demons peeking out from behind the tress,
waiting in anticipating for the signal from their leader to commence ambushing,
my lungs, liver and kidneys are black as her heart,
and what of my heart?
White stained razor blades have carved an x over where it should lay,

by me, josh b




blllaaahhhhhhh
this took me forever to compose
i just don't have that fire anymore
it's been a phenomenal past few weeks
i think I am more curious than anything
perhaps i just don't care
i really don't

Anarbor, again

It's the calming before the storm
Alcohol sits nicely in your stomach warm
When you wake up hungover
You wish you were sober.

I've danced with the devil
And dreamed with the demons
Fell asleep with debt
Then fell short of breath
When you wake up hungover
You wish you were sober

Just be pretty but naïve
Anything you hear is what you believe
Let the rhyme get stuck in your head
Wish you had undressed me in your head

It's the low before the high
It's been so long you thought you would die
When you wake up hungover
You wish you were sober

And I'll be counting the days that the sun goes past
With the clouds beneath my feet

Just be pretty but naïve
Anything you hear is what you believe
Let the rhyme get stuck in your head
Wish you had undressed me in your bed

'Cuz we've been falling apart
Built to crumble from the start
I'm a cold metal machine
And I'll do things you've never seen

Just be pretty but naïve
Anything you hear is what you believe
Let the rhyme get stuck in your head
Wish you had undressed me in your

Just be pretty but naïve
Anything you hear is what you believe
Let the rhyme get stuck in your head
Wish you had undressed me in your bed

'Cuz we've been falling apart
Built to crumble from the start
I'm a cold metal machine
And I'll do things you've never seen

And what they don't tell you in church is
Saints are sinners too.





ok, no more post for teh day
but it is safe to say Anarbor is my band of the week
maybe for the next two weeks
I hope to enjoy them during warped tour
who knows...
gotta help bobby move
I actually hate posts like this, and these
My mind is extremely strained and not in the state for literature creation
I'll throw something out there later
Maybe some Russian Lit
:0

The Swen

One last note before I run:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUrzcaIaixQ&feature=PlayList&p=7E61A62031E29311&index=3

Athens

Heading up to Athens for the afternoon
This is a curious decision on my part
For I hate The University of Georgia
And I mean hate
Granted, If I were to receive a full scholarship I would never refuse
However, They do not have a nursing program, so i will not be attending
Downtown Athens is actually a pretty cool place
The college part that is
I first went back in middle school when I was participating in the state science fair
I was selected to go in back to back years
The only two years in which I entered
I do however like the down town Ga Tech area more
But nothing beats Georgia Southern's downtown facilities
I might have to make a run down there next weekend
That is unless I want to pick up work shits
Which I am free to do now that school is out and my summer classes have not yet commenced
Oh, there is a company picnic down at the Perry Hospital today
I forgot
Just rambling on, killing time til I leave
Which shall be shortly
Matter of fact, now

My Life

Overcoming adversity and the thrill of competition
2 motivating factors predominantly dominating my life
the satisfaction generated within is indescribable
Achieving goals and accomplishing predetermined feats, reignites the fire of joy deep within the bowels of my soul and deepest inner being
I realize when I have completed something phenomenal
Recognizing facial expressions depicted by competitors renders a smile across my lips
Lips whose sole lust and ambitions hinge upon such actions
Out of the various occupations thine lips preform, this smirk is at the fore front
While one cannot win them all,
My joy from tonight, shall not fall

Work Chat

Another slow night at work. Just one patient back here, and she is desperate for attention, but she is old, and almost dead, I think i can say all of that without violating any laws. just myself and one additional nurse tonight, and she is hilarious and a joy to work with, as is the majority of the staff. That is the reason why I have not put in for a transfer for to the closer hospital. I am extremely well off down here, and I am thrilled to be treated in such mannerisms.
Ahhh talking religion and beliefs at the work place. I enjoy it immensely. I love the look on a person's face when I over hear them speaking on what the believe in and then i turn to the am ask them point blank, " so what is it you believe in exactly." Stammering the struggle to form a logically and rational answer. I find it intriguing how many respond, "well, I believe in a little bit of everything," and so forth. I got asked if I believed we were living in the end of days. I said, "No." You'd be surprised how a person will react when you put them under a little pressure by challenging or just questioning their beliefs. Also, no one ever asks me what I believe in, just a side note.
Time to actually do some work. Til next time.....

Summer

Summer time has arrived, finally.
Classes will be resuming in a few weeks however
but I do enjoy the break
Glad that the guys are back in town
Just wish Ross wouldn't be so anti-social
But can you really blame him?
I mean last time he hung with me I pulled my blade on an undercover cop
Granted mistakes happen
But i kind of understand why he doesn't feel like hanging
Things happen
A person just has to roll with it
Mother's Day is tomorrow
Not sure what we have planned
I asked my dad and he told me "She's not my mother"
What a great response
He's been sick the past few days and female like in his PMS actions
So glad i'm not a woman and have to go thru that, and being a whore
Just kidding
N
O
T
Yes I have come to terms with being a horrible person
I was talking to friend on facebook when I woke up this afternoon and they felt bad about being a horrible person
I asked why do you feel that way
And she provided several reasons and explanations varrying from her lifestyle choices, morals, values, beliefs, etc...
I thought to myself
and said, well based on that I am a horrible person too
I don't believe that I nor they are
It's just in the eye of the beholder
And plus, I';ve been called worse, and better fitting titles
such as, lying sack of shit
Not that I am a liar, but I do tend to find myself complaining about being single, and then continuously slamming the door shut in the next female who happens to wander in my direction
eh, what can i say
"so just get drunk and sleep with them" in an attempt to cover up true feelings and the fact that I run away from everything
eh, not really my style since spring break my senior year
I just seem to shut down drunk girls as well
drunk people just aren't as attractive as they are when they are sober
and i really don't want to give them the wrong impression
because I won't want a relationship with them
and I refuse to do that
you know, like get them all feeling good, and then cut and run
so to speak
something with present itself in the future
i just live for the moment and enjoy it
of course it is always easier when your friends are by your side
no homo
lol

With No Regrets

And when I open my eyes I am there. No longer am I seeing the silence which envelopes my entire soul through and through. No longer does one taste the depression weighing down every ounce of my torn and tattered being. No longer will I hear the photographs exclaiming their joy and ultimately their ignorant blissfulness in the world they have retreated to in such haste. No longer can I smell the words vomiting forth from the mouth of a siren. No longer will I feel sights of summer past spent falling helplessly deeper and further into my dreams. I have awoken from such lies, and now I find myself here, lying beside her. Transformed, transfixed, how can this be? The coolness of the sheets absorb the sweat neatly scattered along my legs. Looking up I feel a gentle refreshing breeze caress my flustered cheeks. I squint my tired eyes and peer through the darkness consuming the room; however, I need not a second glance for I know the building in which I rest. The melodic electropop rhythms relax my racing heart as my respirations gradually reduce to resume their normal limits. I am there, that which I have so desperately desired to omit from my conscious perception. Bewildered I abruptly scan my arms in an attempt to see recent scarred tissue. Noticing none but the vintage, curiously I begin to realize exactly where I am in time and space. The rising summer sun becomes visible from behind the soft curtains. The joy which abundantly overflows from the bedsheets we reside, immediately turns cold, for I know the torment yet to be released during the forthcoming months. My mind is running for its life, somehow a signal is shot throughout my nervous system to my core: breathe. I gasp for air and you begin to stir, rolling over onto your sweat drenched side. Our eyes lock, it is in this moment I know beyond any doubt what my course of action shall be...

- by me, josh b