Take Your Hatred Out On Me

I am your Tourniquet

Eh

Nothing changes
Why, i don't even care to ponder
I still see your picture and hope the best for you
Look towards tomorrow is all i can say
Words never help as much as actions would
Actions are not a possibility
And neither are words
So I have nothing
From you
But memories
Which I don't care to remember
Not bitter or regretful
Just, know what could of been
Now I cover my pain with change
Nothing new under the sun
Revert to the old
Find peace in stories renewed from once told
There are others like me
Many
Some say math is the universal language
I beg to differ
Pain is the universal language
Ones who go through similar things always seem to connect
The best self help is staying busy and enjoying your friends
I do not have much confidence in humanity
or hope for that matter
hopes will always be crushed
Always come up short
So just cut it all out and avoid the pain
Live life carefree
I enjoy the friends I have in my life
They always make things manageable, somewhat better
So i do thank each and every one off you
But I still would like you
you who will never read this

written by me, Josh B

Sick

I have not ate in 36 hours
No lie
I haven't been abel to stop puking since getting home from work
Only thing that will stay down in water
I drank some gatorade not too long ago
And in minuets I was hugging the toilet
Head is killing me
And i am freezing cold
Glad I had the day off
But back at it tomorrow
Then Florida
To get away
From you
From me
From it

Holywood

One of the greatest CDs ever
Deep stuff
Check it out.

Wii

Resident Evil 4 for the Wii is amazing
Just need to buy the gun controller and i'll be set
Glad to have off tomorrow
First night I haven;t had to take pills to sleep
But I am not sure when I will fall asleep due to the fact hat I haven't taken any
But it's all good
Like life...
bleh
Sooner or later my body will have enough of me
Or it will endure and become more resilient
The body is cool that ways
Ready for the vacation
New State
New Place
New Face
The old sucks
Yes this is how I am
Yes this is who I am
But i do not lie to myself
or pretend
I accept who I see in the mirror
Change sucks
I state to see why others would refuse to break free and change
It only took this for me to see
ugh
sucks

SWED

Great night/morning
too bad i have to be in work at 7am
Good stuff

Sleep

Long day today
I worked at 12 hour shift, crashed at work for about5 hours, then worked 6 more hours
have to work at 12 again tomorrow
Be up at 5 30 am
But you know I don't really care because tomorrow night is looking up
And from the most unlikely of all people

Correction

Sitting at work
Things are slowing down
Cold pizza awaits me in the break room
Which is 10 steps behind me
ICU 3 is Sinus Rhythm not Atrial-Fib like I thought
I miss you
I miss me

Reds

Great night last night, I must
every aspect was intriguing
We lost the game, had frequent bad calls
The games and experiences will be missed
Spring is on the way though!
Will train during the off season
Cannot wait

So my dream came to pass
Which pisses me off
Even though it is not a bad thing
I only hate that it always seem to happen
One vivid dream after another comes to pass in shape or form
It's not all my dreams, not the little quick ones that you have to strain to remember in the morning
But the vivid ones that wake you up and cause you to go hmmm
While the main character opposite to myself in the dream waas not who I thought it was, the outcome still managed to occur
The only explanation I have is that I constantly blended these two together and placed them in the same category in life, it's odd they both did the same thing to me...
In the dream they were blended together, more of one person than the other now that I think about it
The emotion and body of one, and the face of the other
lol

Class was busy this morning, took a quiz, Lauren and I made the same grade
Exam monday, so i will be studying all weekend, mainly at work since I work from today til sun
Shall be a good paycheck

Softball Game

Tonight at 8 30
It will be the last game of the season
A good crowd will be turning out
Not really a fan of playing in front of people I know
It will not bother me because the one I want there will not be in attendance
I received an interesting number of text messages from people the past few days
People will never find peace
It is human nature to search for it, but it will never be found
Human nature is to ere, therefore leading to no peace
Like how a school student is constantly surrounded by drama
It is not coincident, one chooses the circumstances
No not on purpose, but subconsciously
It varies from person to person, but it occurs in every one of us, to a certain extant
Humans are creatures of habit
Mean we will always revert to things of old that have comforted us
These comforts could be alcohol, joking, sports, relationships of old, parents, driving, drugs, anything which allowed one to seek refuge for the troubles of life
But more times than not this regression accomplishes nothing except making the situation worst But in whose mind?
We all are too tied up in what another person thinks of us
Making an outward good time, an inward and mental hellish experience because someone would not approve of it
Why give another person such control over you life?


Big night tonight
And I mean the game

I just want, peace
Irony





how many of those pills are you taking
-i'm in pain
aren't we all

Osteoblasts

Class in macon this morning
Lauren and I both actually understood lecture
Feeling pretty good about the quiz on Wed
Went to Chick-fil-a with Lauren for breakfast
I wasn't really hungry but I ate some minis
Sweet tea was the best part
Lab was, well, it was alot
Only 2 guys left in the class
The rest are girls
I like my lab group
So i am looking forward to the rest of the semester
It will be better grade wise as well
Ready for the break to be over
I like my space
and buffer zone

Sunday

Had a dream this afternoon
A random one at that
6 months ago I would of taken it as a sign
Maybe to try and reach back out
Re-establish a connection
But the more i think about it, nothing good can be seen to come from it
Especially if I have to hope for something good to happen
When that is the case nothing good ever happens
While I must say the vivid dreams always have some correlation in what occurs in my life,
I do not wish to see this come to pass
I do not ever want to be in that position again
I never want to be that weak, the vulnerable, that hurt
Is what I do wrong? Is how I treat women now wrong? Am I a bad person?
Is a negative outlook nothing more than a safe outlook?
No I'm not "that guy" or a pig
I just don't give females the chance to get close
I give them what they need and I receive what I need to ignore life
When I wake I still feel nothing for anyone of them
And the drill is known
I said I would never love another and that Caitlin was my last try, and so far it has been the truth
I find it intriguing how Sam likes to analyze and discover what really is going
He just does not seem to understand I just don't care
"How do you know she's not the one? How do you know you aren't closing the door on someone special?"
My reply, I just could not care less, I have no desire for any of it
"well i think you are just afraid of letting someone in"
No, I just don't want any one in, I always seem to trust the wrong ones
Money makes the world go round but it can not buy peace of mind
I cannot seem to spend it fast enough, so now I save it
become a hoard of it, Jewish one my call me
My money is mine, like my heart
Is the heart capable of love?
I believe it is all in the brain and the eyes
When one wants to see love the brain interprets what the eyes see as being love
You can convince yourself into believing anything
Such as dreams having influence one the actions in ones life
I only know how to live my life, not the life of others
I would enjoy nothing more than, well, nevermind
I wish the best of luck to KW
A dear friend who deserves to be happy
Do we all deserve to be happy? No
What we all deserve is death, which will find us all in time
Life is what we make of it
Happiness and Sorrow is what we make it
War and Peace is what we make it
Each day is what we make of it, and if we strive for it to be a good day, then more times than not it will be
Eh, senseless babble
I hate all of it, all of this


Softball is one bright spot, which will soon be extinguished until the spring
My best season yet
By far the best 3rd basemen in the league
i live for the plays I make
Plays that are made by pure reaction
No thought whatsoever
The high is indescribable when you know the other team wishes you were playing for them
No matter what has befallen me it all goes away when I am out there on the field
Fear is just another meaningless 4-letter word such as love
I leave it all out there on the field
Nothing is held or saved for later
I give it my all, and for once something is given in return:
Satisfaction

I enjoy my new laptop
Was a rare find
One of several things that are going my way
So yes things are good, and things are manageable
I find my joys in the simple things

Class all day with Lauren Monday
Maybe lunch with Kaylee
Maybe not, Chapters need to be read
And House needs to be watched


As far as that dream goes,
I am not hard to find
It is what it is

Think

Won our softball game last night
I played well, along with everyone else on the team
I wish we were playing in the tournament, but we are not
So our last game is tues
I am going to miss it so
And strangely enough i will miss the people I play with
Each of them
I am not a people person
I believe all people lie, all people suck, and the core of everyone one is black, and i sure don't trust people
Nothing against my friends, I put them closed to me because they balance everything out
I value my friends and would hate to be without them
But i have been without them,
the longest i have been friends with one of them is 3 years
And more than likely I will lose touch with them and they will go on about their lives without me
While I have them I treasure them and enjoy time spent with them
But I know all things will and must come to an end
Life, love, joy, peace, war, hate, sickness, it all comes to an end
Better to face it now than have it bite you in the ass when you least expect it
People fascinate me, interactions between people fascinate me, why people react and do what they do consume my interests
Faith, beliefs, religion continue to baffle me
there can be a billion pro and con debates over it, but you can not talk rationally to a devout religious person
It's what makes them who they are
Which is what we need in this world to give it balance
Every type of person is in this world to keep it balanced
And the root of every person is the same
Humans are creatures of habit
And people do not change
We all have hate, we have love, we all have the ability to murder, all have the ability to deceive
As much as one tries to change, at the end of the day you are the same person
Live your life the way you know best
And if it's not up to other people's standards, then forget about it
Because we need the type of person you are in this world
Good, Bad, evil, Hitler, or Jesus
We needed each and every one of them
Think about it

Long

15 hrs of work
I couldn't leave Misti there alone by herself so I stayed
Home now
Ready to sleep
Off for a shot then to pass out
Game later on tonight
Yay for rain

Game

Covered in orange from head to toe
Watch it flutter to the floor as the shower runs
Knees still bleed however the blood falls silently
I leave it all on the field
Everything within myself is left between the chalk
What drives me
Only I know
I feed off it
Live off it
Life is good
When one is numb to the bad
Life is good, there is no sad
So I continue to smile
Bliss is denial

Lyrics To Make One Song

I want your body
Need your body
Long as you got me you won't need no body

I'm what you want
I'm what you need
He got you trapped
I'll set ya free
Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally
I'll be like your medicine
You'll take every dose of me

Because when I arrive, I

I'll bring the fire

Make you come, alive

I can take you higher

What this is, forgot

I must now remind you

Let it rock, let it rock, let it rock

She make me feel so good, better than i would by myself or
If i was with somebody else.
You don't understand
She make the people say yeeeeahhhhhh, yeahhhhhhh.

I'm not lovin' you, way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
See I wanna move, but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know

o keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Now keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Now keep ya love locked down, you lose...



Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

If you keep this up
There's bound to be a mess
I ain't really like the rest
Put to the test
I could surely pass
You better do the math
It'd be a shame to say you lost me
But if you want that
It's a wrap
And I won't look back



So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight when you're asleep

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
Arms open wide
Face to the sun

Phonebook

I’d been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m a saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do. Our name is our virtue.

Good stuff, heard that song a billion times this weekend at work
Really wished we woulda took that phone book Josh, KW, and I wrote it
Man that was some good stuff

How bout this weekend
since I woke up one friday i have gotten maybe 4 hrs of sleep
I am not complaining one bit tho
Great hotel party last night
Can not complain about the company
Got thru both days of work with no prob
Like a rockstar
Can't wait til next week when I get paid and have the weekend off
lol

Flag For Holding

Slept til noon, which felt oh so good.
Did some chores then off to the bank and NHS to buy tickets
Met up with KW and Jenni there then headed over to Sonny's with Bobby and Vanessa
Ate then rode down to Valdosta with Sam and Josh
Interesting Car ride
Got to the game and sat with Bobby, Vanessa, KW, Michelle, Ross, Phenoix, Dallas, and everyone else
Sad we lost
Way too many miss calls
Rode home with KW, Ross and Jenni
But not before we stopped at Ross' sisters place
She cooked some pretty dang good food
Really cool person as well..
Rode home and stayed up KW as he drove
Stopped at a random McDonalds and Jenni got hit on by a black guy lol
Now i'm here
Work at 645am
12 hr shift then hotel party and VIP at the Dirty Iguana
It'll be a long day with an even longer night
Tis what I need, my friends

Through the Glass Roof

Had lunch with Sam at Olive Garden
He's a cheap date what can i say
We both got the soup and bread sticks
Softball game tonight
Twas a good one I must say
We lost by 1 run in extra innings
But all is good
Meghan came out and so did Danielle and her mom
What timing lol
Went to Sonic with Lauren and Becca and they are both great
Football game tomorrow night
woot woot
riding down with Sam
Sat night is a hotel party
I think we got most of the floor rented off
It is going down big in the war town
Can't wait to see Bobby and KW
Things are looking up

For You, One Last Time

In the future you will see less stories about Caitlin
option selected on facebook
no sense in slamming the door in other girls faces while i constantly knock at one that will not open
Your loss or mine
From what I hear I am not losing out on anything special
Doesn't mean I believe it or feel that way
You know my thoughts and my feelings
I hope he makes you happy
Or it makes you happy
It is what you deserve
I have my books and France for the saving, lol
I could care less about that
As you hesitate to communicate I will not hesitate to answer
College is a time to do whatever, so do just that
And when it's all over with I will be here
I have no desire for any relationshit, I mean relationships
A time of quick fixes to cover my true feelings shall suffice
I know who you really are, and the person I fell in love with
Whether or not that person still exists after is it over and said, You still will have my heart
There was a chance to salvage something and I blew it due to my relationship with my father
I acknowledge and accept that fact
You say you have already come to terms with it all and has put it behind you
Congrats for doing so, I guess it helps when you go to a college full of guys
Even if that weren't the case you are beautiful and any guy who wasn't half drunk would notice
Only a matter of time I guess
But I have let go, started a new chapter
Whew, thank God, about time
things that might be going through your head,
And if they are then I'm glad things turned out the way they did
for you would have changed for the worse
Which would be something you said would never happen
My fault for believing
If that's not the case then you are a better person than I for controlling your emotions
But I do not believe that is the case
Like you've told me you've just stopped caring
Same with James and I can only imagine the numbers of others
I guess I still refuse to believe that is a characteristic of you
And I noticed the drawings you post
They are absolutely stunning
Just so you know
Take all this how you want
But I'm pretty sure you'll read this and give a slight smirk, then go about your business
Trust me my hopes are not up
I just have to get this all said
And now I have
So if we don't ever talk again, have a great life, and I will never forget that summer we spent together or each and every experience we shared. You are truly an amazing woman.
May <3