A rectal finish

I'm already gone

What I Never Unerstood Til Now

continuing each day to yearn for the old
allowing pain and hurt to overcome a reopened heart
intertwined withing the bowels of my soul hope is destroyed
telophase never occurring preventing new growth
life questioned and devalued to senseless acts
indeed the sun shall rise, wind shall blow
numb emotions begin to melt

deep, is the sleep I have lost
inevitable depression overwhelms
dodging the truth i refused to accept

youthful acts only increase
occupying an empty mind
under misanthropic duress

collectively actions cease to arouse response
admitting what is false becomes apparent
trim excess psuedo which clog thought processes
churn the butter which saturates life
hope overcomes and endures, receiving a fresh breath

misery falls victim to optimism
yellow as the shimmer of Egyptian treasure

a new page forcefully turned
chapters bare with future accounts
rhythms synchronizing as ebbs flow
overtures announce revolutionary age
silence becomes silent as mute eyes sense
tainted animosity recycled into glee exfoliates existence
indescribable
creation

by me, josh b



ago unify it row

For good?

Best. Day. Ever Pt. 1

I actually put myself out on a limb. A limb which has a history of breaking beneath my weight, causing myself to fall catastrophically and injuring each and every fiber within me. For the past 3 or so months I did not get my hopes up for anything. I anticipated nothing, wished for nothing, and did not pray for a single thing. As a result, I wars relativity safe, still damaged, but safe nevertheless. Was the an abundance of happiness in my life or daily routines for that fact, no. So when my best friend Bobby me asking if I wanted to accompany him to the Georgia Dome for the SEC Championship game between Alabama and Florida, I replied with a skeptical yes. When the words left his mouth I was instantly excited, however, just as quickly as the coup of excitement was aroused it was suppressed by years upon years of disappointment. Each day I wanted to bring it up and make plans for the event, go out and buy fan gear, and just to get amped. Rejecting my pithy desires I turned to work. The day arrived and to my shock, well rather glee, everything was a go. The ride up to the dome was quick. We found a lovely parking space inside the Hilton parking garage. From there, we began our walk to the stadium. In cold we walked, passed a weird black man name Ricky who gave us directions, and even through a parade, for we did not come to watch a parade, but a football battle. Although we were not assured in how to arrive at our location, we did so with extreme haste. Arriving at ESPN College Game Day in time to see them make their pick as to who would win the afternoon's match up. The verdict: Alabama. From there we made out way over to Fan Fare. A collection of booths and activities awaited us, along with a plethora of sports fanatics. Each booth received a portion of our time as we stopped and partook in the events. As we were about to leave we happened upon a face painting booth. 14 dollars was their asking price, as it seemed a bit high we continued on. As the two of us got to thinking and debating our decision in our head, be found ourselves in line for our chance to become covered in our chosen team's colors. Ecstatic we walked out with out heads held high and painted. We were quick to notice the confused expressions upon the faces of each passerby. Several even stopped us and as to take our picture. Bashfully we accepted and a small sense of individuality and glee began to grow. In this mass of people, there were few who could claim a rival as a best friend, and do so without harboring any ill will or malicious feelings. Hearing cheers from behind me, caused me to turn and walk toward them. I could not see what all the fuss was about, I made my way through dense brush and jump up upon a cement ledge, looking down I saw the Alabama players walking into their locker rooms. I was surprised to be filled with excitement and feel my heart race. Normally when my eyes fall upon opponents I become hardened and wish plagues fall down on them. This was not the case, and even more joy filled me. I quickly pulled out my cell phone and recorded the players movements. My joy had hardly began to wane as Bobby and I were approached by a camera crew. We learned they were from ESPN and wanted to record a video with Bobby in the middle of Gator fans, who were pretending to be our family members. The segment was recorded and fun was had by all. Following the recording Bobby and I were approached by several newspaper reporters who found our friendship intriguing and hurriedly snapped off photographs of the two of us. Once the paparazzi had received their fill, we made our way into the stadium to find our seats. To my horror, I discovered to be sitting in the midst of Ablabam fans. Practically my entire seating section was crimson. Being a true Gator I reached out to those around me and started up converstations. To my surprise I discovered they were pretty cool people.

Cobain

words can not express
R.I.P.

New Day

New sun on an area of eternal darkness
Will the rays break through
Shall a smile grace the face of permanent grief
All that should be good, all that is love
Was forgotten and defiled by the beholder of thine heart
Inner peace is discovered by those who possess madness
Endless nights comprised of pain ad suffering
Drinking until the black holes overcome one's soul
Misplaced loved combine with justified apathy
Transforming control into fate
As fate would have it, trends shall end
Old eras give rise to new
Fresh hope
Inner peace, without indescribable torture
Self-inflicted
Self-induced
Self-healed
The tourniquet never requires attention
Blood ceases to flow forth
Removal is not an option
Worn as a scar
A timeless symbol for what could of been
What should of never happened
Life and joy shall intertwine
Erasing the turmoil of old
One day I shall allow my love to resurface
Another time, another place, another face
However, they will be cheated
For I will never again love as I have loved you

by me, Josh b

Break Point

I find I do more writing on paper than on here
As of late it seems at least
Perhaps because I write in pen, which can not be erased or backspaced
Infatuated with lyrics, poems, thoughts
Emotions are universal
Each genre of music may have it's own unique sound, however when you read the lyrics they become one
Music just adds a flare so to speak
Words are all that matter

Don't have shit else to say
My emotions will stayed locked within
The only key lost throughout the perils of time
Cut me up, grind me down, put me in a line
With a straw I inhale, make me disappear
No longer willing to share myself with anyone
All for I, including the high


-Me Josh b

Ac/Dc

See me leaning, on the bar
I got my head in a whiskey jar
Feeling good cause the city's alive
I'm getting ready to rock and jive
I get up and I slide across the floor
You wanna come an' I'll meet you at the door
No one can stop us cause we're feeling too right
We're gonna steal our way around tonight

They Say That Hell's Not Hot

I gave my soul to someone else
She must have known that
It was already sold.
It was never about her,
It was about the hurt.
And so I'm waiting
With the sound turned off
I'm waiting
Like a glass balloon
And I'm fading
Into the void and then
I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone...
I kill myself in small amounts
In each relationship it's not
About love.
Just another funeral and
Just another girl left in tears.
I'm waiting
-MM

*Brown

Kiss me it'll heal
But it won't forget

Just Talking

I really must say I enjoy my job
Can not exactly put my finger on it as to why
But I do
Pay is not great and the hours are long, extremely long
However I walk out of the hospital after each shift happy
Maybe I feel as if I am making a difference
I know my coworkers look forward to my arrival and working with me
The favorite I guess you could say
Blessed?
Lucky?
You decided
Either way I am content


Class this morning without Lauren
Sam got her sick
So I was just me
Actually, i enjoyed class and learned stuff
Arrived early
For some reason I like to get there and pretend to be reviewing and just listen to everyone
Some are studying and others excitably discuss the events of prior days
I heard a voice from over my left shoulder ask "what are you wearing, it smells amazing?"
I turned hoping to only be overhearing one asking the other
But as i completed my turn, they we both anxiously awaiting my answer
"um, it's curve."
"well i love it, everyday you come in and sit in front of us and we are just like (some noise i don't know how to express in words)."
"umm, thanks, I like it too."
I turn back around, flip the page in my book and resume my pseudo-reading.
It was not a come on
Just a curious individual who wanted an answer
Plus from earlier and later listening, i discovered she has a steady relationship
Others talked about television programing
And some just studied

Finally got some good sleeping pills
Went to the dr yesterday
told him what was up
and he wrote me a prescription
Asked about some other things
Told me to keep a journal about it
But i am glad to be sleeping, sound

My Account

No plans
No thoughts
No ideas
Everything comes to an abrupt halt
Motionless surroundings
Glancing down upon mourners' frozen gaze
Contemplating, weighing the outcomes
Arms growing heavier as eternal seconds crawl by
Pain is numbed as systems fail
Sweat turning to blood
Pools beneath the eternal figure
Like the phoenix will he rise?
Whims and hopes of nations rest upon his future actions
To their dismay the scene instantly ends
No last words, no last rights spoken
Dismay and disbelief rapidly progresses into betrayal and hate
Taken on a ride, which was not free
Son of lies

1625

It was bound to occur
Saturday I experienced my first encounter with death
Up close and all
The man was 58 years young
had 11 kids
And almost all of them were on hand to view his passing
I spoke to one of his daughters who was my age
She was the one in charge of answering all the phone calls
With 11 children you are going to receive numerous phone calls
I was surprised in her ability to maintain her composure throughout the day
Her father had an unexpected massive stroke, not that strokes are expected
The patient was in the hospital when the stroke took place
When I reported in for work the next night he was clinically brain dead
He had a history of strokes, leading his family to believe he would pull through
His room was directly in front of my station
The image of him lying in bed was constantly in my view
As 1600 rolled around his condition worsened
As his heart rate slowed I walked into his room with his nurse
We both watched as he took his last breath
Everyone in the room fell into pieces
Once they had cleared I had the duty to unhook the monitors and remove his IVs
I could feel the cold skin through my gloves
His daughter walked in and crumbled
I hate nothing to say
For nothing would ease her pain
I will never forget her raw emotion and pain
Time of death, 1625

Tonight

The new 007 movie is coming out, tonight at midnight!
I just discovered this source of joy seconds ago!
Guess I will have to be taking that shower anyways
I shall be attending, even though it will not be as amazing as the last midnight premier I saw,
It will still be amazing if it is half as good as the previous 007, Casino Royal
If only KW was in town tonight...
We can see it again sat night
After the fight
Brock Lesnar and hooters
Great stuff

Golden Age

For there will be a time
A time when everything you know is lost
In that instant you will freeze
Stunned and horrified
Breathless
Heart racing while the mind is still
No excuse for you ignorance
A pardon will not be found
Cast out on the street
Back into the gutter from which came
You look up and cry out to a God in which you do not believe
Silence is the reply
Why should a god believe in you when you do not believe in them
Man, woman, black, white, we all succumb to our demise
How we arrive is what makes us individuals
Why mindlessly follow others as though we are Jews encamped
All roads lead to death
The nescient fools belligerently expect a joy and peace waiting for them
Expect nothing
Oppress your hopes
For when death is upon us we become enslaved to the earth
Once time has passed over our memories
We will then only exist to be trotted upon by the living
Layer after layer will pile upon us
Further pushing us down to the core
Being alive for this is the only hell one could fathom
Alas death is a release
The discovery of peace

(s)Aint

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2buwWJHHV7U

wow
what on earth would drive any man to become that?
As much as it may repulse some, it attracts my attention
Not that I aspire to become what he has, more so I seek to discover his mindset, thought process, what makes him tick
Manson has produced works of art in his lyrics for years
If one can over the initial cringe when seeing him, and actually listen to his lyrical statements, you can begin to perceive who he really is
Marilyn Manson has feelings and emotions just like everyone of us
He uses these raw emotions to draw in those who believe they can relate, that his music sets them free
Manson does it for the attention and more so the money
Find someone who is weak and exploit that weakness for your own gain
It's the way of the world
Barack Obama used it to his advantage and he will become our nations next President
If you give me someones ear I will give you their soul

Thoughts

You want to know what saddens me? If not then please leave this page and never return.
What saddens me is the sheer audacity and self empowerment displayed by many Christians.
While they claim to believe the bible is the only way to live your life, they repeatedly ignore its principals.
I know every man is fallible and must exhibit what Christians call "sin." However, when a quote "christian" hears of on man's struggle in life, how they can not be released from their "sin", or how they just mess up, and their only response as a "christian" is to shun, pass judgment on, belittle, and completely leave someone out in the cold on their own is the last thing a self-proclaimed "Christian" should do. It is the first thing a hypocritical "Christian" would do. Not all "Christians" are like this, but the fact is a vast majority of these "believers" are. Does it not state in the bible to reach out to those in need? Did jesus not help and preform miracles for some of the most reviled citizens of the new testament? Did he ever turn his cheek from a "sinner" when one was in need? It enrages me that most "Christians" first response is one of disgust, judgment, and oh I just can't be around you. Who are you to say that? Did you God say that when you were stuck in your sin and came to him begging to be "set free." No. So what gives you the right to do that to a fellow human? Nothing. This is the biggest reason as to why nonbelievers balked at religion and Christianity altogether. I am not perfect, no saint, and not jesus, nor do i want to be, however, when I claimed to be saved and a Christian I did all I could to live the life fully and to always acceptt and love others who did not believe the same as I, or those who were stuck in a "life of sin." Maybe some people are acting in desperation and only looking for someone to give them a little notice, interest, and care. You do not know what someone is going through or why they are acting the way the are, only the God who you claim to be all knowing would. Let me restate that I am not saying all Christians are this way, but a large majority of them are. When "sinners" see a "Christian" acting in this manner, all interest or desire in "believing" is lost. But go to church and wake up with a clean conscious and go about your life as is, sounds kind of like a catholic to me.

In The Shadow of the Valley of Death

We have no future
heaven wasn't made for me
we burn ourselves to hell
as fast as it can be
and I wish that I could be a king
then I'd know that I am not alone

Maggots put on shirts
Sell each others shit
sometimes I feel so worthless
sometimes I feel discarded
I wish that I was good enough
then I'd know that I am not alone

Death is policeman
Death is the priest
Death is the stereo
Death is a TV
Death is the Tarot
Death is an angel and
Death is our God
killing us all

she puts the seeds in me
plant this dying tree
she's a burning string
and I am just the ashes
-Marilyn Manson

Dope shit
Picks me off the ground when I pass out
Never before has my body felt this sore
Seizing for the loss
Subconscious suicide attempt, perhaps
Regardless I am still here
And I have no fucking reason to try and kill myself
Granted if my time were to come I would not resist
There is no heaven, there is no hell
Just the ground
Eternal peace
Eternal rest
Until that time restlessly I wait
Anticipate the next move
or lack there of

Wii

In hindsight the right decision was made
Why the hell I tried to fight it, i will never know
Only made a fool of myself
Ugh
Things and people never change
So maybe feelings won't either
I never realized hom often I negate everything I say, think, or desire
I can't even watch house without getting sick to my stomach
But life goes on, as I have found
People come back
The first time I broke my heart she was there
And oddly enough she is here the 2nd time
Never thought I would ever talk to her again
So go figure I guess
I no longer pray, I just, don't see what good it does
I am content
Excited about college and the future
Paths may cross again
But I have never been one to stay on a single path
Life is good, and life shall be long
Enjoy it

pt 2

I am
excited for the future of America
Not because I think things will turn out perfectly
Things are going to be anything but that
I look forward to see the way people react
Every is on their knees in a last ditch effort prayer
While others already have both hands out waiting for the good life to be given to them
Others are outraged while some say it is about time
I do not care, I just am glad America has something to get them going again
Maybe from now on people will take voting seriously and start to elect those who have ideals that represent their own, not just because their skin tone match, or they are the better of two evils
Wake up in your history classes and learn what democracy is really about and why this country was founded
Take and stand and support what you believe in
No it is not the end of the world
The sun is not going to burn out anytime soon
And the economy will rise again like it always does
Taxes will become higher
And politicians will always lie because they are human
why make a minority happy when the majority is forced to suffer?
Do not the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few
Or is it that the few can make more noise?
Hitler was able to take advantage of the weak minded
Congrats to Obama for doing the same
No I am not saying he is Hitler
What you see is what you get
And what's the first thing you notice about him when you see him??
America gets what it deserves
Ignorance is bliss, only until the intelligent take advantage of it and pervert it

Today

is my birthday
even though she was high
I still like the idea of getting married and moving to Canada
It would be nice
We have a black president
At least they will be plenty of things to talk and debate about
Which does bring me joy
Words can not express the extant of my fascination toward humans the ways in which their minds work
The Christians and Conservatives are going to be ready to call it the end of times
While the rednecks are going to grab their ropes and find the nearest tree
Blacks are going to become more typical
While the Jews just sit back and laugh
Canada sounds good, but America will be alright in the end,
Regardless, I would sit run away with her
Only to run away from you.
Happy Birthday Josh

I hate you all
And hope to die

Take Your Hatred Out On Me

I am your Tourniquet

Eh

Nothing changes
Why, i don't even care to ponder
I still see your picture and hope the best for you
Look towards tomorrow is all i can say
Words never help as much as actions would
Actions are not a possibility
And neither are words
So I have nothing
From you
But memories
Which I don't care to remember
Not bitter or regretful
Just, know what could of been
Now I cover my pain with change
Nothing new under the sun
Revert to the old
Find peace in stories renewed from once told
There are others like me
Many
Some say math is the universal language
I beg to differ
Pain is the universal language
Ones who go through similar things always seem to connect
The best self help is staying busy and enjoying your friends
I do not have much confidence in humanity
or hope for that matter
hopes will always be crushed
Always come up short
So just cut it all out and avoid the pain
Live life carefree
I enjoy the friends I have in my life
They always make things manageable, somewhat better
So i do thank each and every one off you
But I still would like you
you who will never read this

written by me, Josh B

Sick

I have not ate in 36 hours
No lie
I haven't been abel to stop puking since getting home from work
Only thing that will stay down in water
I drank some gatorade not too long ago
And in minuets I was hugging the toilet
Head is killing me
And i am freezing cold
Glad I had the day off
But back at it tomorrow
Then Florida
To get away
From you
From me
From it

Holywood

One of the greatest CDs ever
Deep stuff
Check it out.

Wii

Resident Evil 4 for the Wii is amazing
Just need to buy the gun controller and i'll be set
Glad to have off tomorrow
First night I haven;t had to take pills to sleep
But I am not sure when I will fall asleep due to the fact hat I haven't taken any
But it's all good
Like life...
bleh
Sooner or later my body will have enough of me
Or it will endure and become more resilient
The body is cool that ways
Ready for the vacation
New State
New Place
New Face
The old sucks
Yes this is how I am
Yes this is who I am
But i do not lie to myself
or pretend
I accept who I see in the mirror
Change sucks
I state to see why others would refuse to break free and change
It only took this for me to see
ugh
sucks

SWED

Great night/morning
too bad i have to be in work at 7am
Good stuff

Sleep

Long day today
I worked at 12 hour shift, crashed at work for about5 hours, then worked 6 more hours
have to work at 12 again tomorrow
Be up at 5 30 am
But you know I don't really care because tomorrow night is looking up
And from the most unlikely of all people

Correction

Sitting at work
Things are slowing down
Cold pizza awaits me in the break room
Which is 10 steps behind me
ICU 3 is Sinus Rhythm not Atrial-Fib like I thought
I miss you
I miss me

Reds

Great night last night, I must
every aspect was intriguing
We lost the game, had frequent bad calls
The games and experiences will be missed
Spring is on the way though!
Will train during the off season
Cannot wait

So my dream came to pass
Which pisses me off
Even though it is not a bad thing
I only hate that it always seem to happen
One vivid dream after another comes to pass in shape or form
It's not all my dreams, not the little quick ones that you have to strain to remember in the morning
But the vivid ones that wake you up and cause you to go hmmm
While the main character opposite to myself in the dream waas not who I thought it was, the outcome still managed to occur
The only explanation I have is that I constantly blended these two together and placed them in the same category in life, it's odd they both did the same thing to me...
In the dream they were blended together, more of one person than the other now that I think about it
The emotion and body of one, and the face of the other
lol

Class was busy this morning, took a quiz, Lauren and I made the same grade
Exam monday, so i will be studying all weekend, mainly at work since I work from today til sun
Shall be a good paycheck

Softball Game

Tonight at 8 30
It will be the last game of the season
A good crowd will be turning out
Not really a fan of playing in front of people I know
It will not bother me because the one I want there will not be in attendance
I received an interesting number of text messages from people the past few days
People will never find peace
It is human nature to search for it, but it will never be found
Human nature is to ere, therefore leading to no peace
Like how a school student is constantly surrounded by drama
It is not coincident, one chooses the circumstances
No not on purpose, but subconsciously
It varies from person to person, but it occurs in every one of us, to a certain extant
Humans are creatures of habit
Mean we will always revert to things of old that have comforted us
These comforts could be alcohol, joking, sports, relationships of old, parents, driving, drugs, anything which allowed one to seek refuge for the troubles of life
But more times than not this regression accomplishes nothing except making the situation worst But in whose mind?
We all are too tied up in what another person thinks of us
Making an outward good time, an inward and mental hellish experience because someone would not approve of it
Why give another person such control over you life?


Big night tonight
And I mean the game

I just want, peace
Irony





how many of those pills are you taking
-i'm in pain
aren't we all

Osteoblasts

Class in macon this morning
Lauren and I both actually understood lecture
Feeling pretty good about the quiz on Wed
Went to Chick-fil-a with Lauren for breakfast
I wasn't really hungry but I ate some minis
Sweet tea was the best part
Lab was, well, it was alot
Only 2 guys left in the class
The rest are girls
I like my lab group
So i am looking forward to the rest of the semester
It will be better grade wise as well
Ready for the break to be over
I like my space
and buffer zone

Sunday

Had a dream this afternoon
A random one at that
6 months ago I would of taken it as a sign
Maybe to try and reach back out
Re-establish a connection
But the more i think about it, nothing good can be seen to come from it
Especially if I have to hope for something good to happen
When that is the case nothing good ever happens
While I must say the vivid dreams always have some correlation in what occurs in my life,
I do not wish to see this come to pass
I do not ever want to be in that position again
I never want to be that weak, the vulnerable, that hurt
Is what I do wrong? Is how I treat women now wrong? Am I a bad person?
Is a negative outlook nothing more than a safe outlook?
No I'm not "that guy" or a pig
I just don't give females the chance to get close
I give them what they need and I receive what I need to ignore life
When I wake I still feel nothing for anyone of them
And the drill is known
I said I would never love another and that Caitlin was my last try, and so far it has been the truth
I find it intriguing how Sam likes to analyze and discover what really is going
He just does not seem to understand I just don't care
"How do you know she's not the one? How do you know you aren't closing the door on someone special?"
My reply, I just could not care less, I have no desire for any of it
"well i think you are just afraid of letting someone in"
No, I just don't want any one in, I always seem to trust the wrong ones
Money makes the world go round but it can not buy peace of mind
I cannot seem to spend it fast enough, so now I save it
become a hoard of it, Jewish one my call me
My money is mine, like my heart
Is the heart capable of love?
I believe it is all in the brain and the eyes
When one wants to see love the brain interprets what the eyes see as being love
You can convince yourself into believing anything
Such as dreams having influence one the actions in ones life
I only know how to live my life, not the life of others
I would enjoy nothing more than, well, nevermind
I wish the best of luck to KW
A dear friend who deserves to be happy
Do we all deserve to be happy? No
What we all deserve is death, which will find us all in time
Life is what we make of it
Happiness and Sorrow is what we make it
War and Peace is what we make it
Each day is what we make of it, and if we strive for it to be a good day, then more times than not it will be
Eh, senseless babble
I hate all of it, all of this


Softball is one bright spot, which will soon be extinguished until the spring
My best season yet
By far the best 3rd basemen in the league
i live for the plays I make
Plays that are made by pure reaction
No thought whatsoever
The high is indescribable when you know the other team wishes you were playing for them
No matter what has befallen me it all goes away when I am out there on the field
Fear is just another meaningless 4-letter word such as love
I leave it all out there on the field
Nothing is held or saved for later
I give it my all, and for once something is given in return:
Satisfaction

I enjoy my new laptop
Was a rare find
One of several things that are going my way
So yes things are good, and things are manageable
I find my joys in the simple things

Class all day with Lauren Monday
Maybe lunch with Kaylee
Maybe not, Chapters need to be read
And House needs to be watched


As far as that dream goes,
I am not hard to find
It is what it is

Think

Won our softball game last night
I played well, along with everyone else on the team
I wish we were playing in the tournament, but we are not
So our last game is tues
I am going to miss it so
And strangely enough i will miss the people I play with
Each of them
I am not a people person
I believe all people lie, all people suck, and the core of everyone one is black, and i sure don't trust people
Nothing against my friends, I put them closed to me because they balance everything out
I value my friends and would hate to be without them
But i have been without them,
the longest i have been friends with one of them is 3 years
And more than likely I will lose touch with them and they will go on about their lives without me
While I have them I treasure them and enjoy time spent with them
But I know all things will and must come to an end
Life, love, joy, peace, war, hate, sickness, it all comes to an end
Better to face it now than have it bite you in the ass when you least expect it
People fascinate me, interactions between people fascinate me, why people react and do what they do consume my interests
Faith, beliefs, religion continue to baffle me
there can be a billion pro and con debates over it, but you can not talk rationally to a devout religious person
It's what makes them who they are
Which is what we need in this world to give it balance
Every type of person is in this world to keep it balanced
And the root of every person is the same
Humans are creatures of habit
And people do not change
We all have hate, we have love, we all have the ability to murder, all have the ability to deceive
As much as one tries to change, at the end of the day you are the same person
Live your life the way you know best
And if it's not up to other people's standards, then forget about it
Because we need the type of person you are in this world
Good, Bad, evil, Hitler, or Jesus
We needed each and every one of them
Think about it

Long

15 hrs of work
I couldn't leave Misti there alone by herself so I stayed
Home now
Ready to sleep
Off for a shot then to pass out
Game later on tonight
Yay for rain

Game

Covered in orange from head to toe
Watch it flutter to the floor as the shower runs
Knees still bleed however the blood falls silently
I leave it all on the field
Everything within myself is left between the chalk
What drives me
Only I know
I feed off it
Live off it
Life is good
When one is numb to the bad
Life is good, there is no sad
So I continue to smile
Bliss is denial

Lyrics To Make One Song

I want your body
Need your body
Long as you got me you won't need no body

I'm what you want
I'm what you need
He got you trapped
I'll set ya free
Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally
I'll be like your medicine
You'll take every dose of me

Because when I arrive, I

I'll bring the fire

Make you come, alive

I can take you higher

What this is, forgot

I must now remind you

Let it rock, let it rock, let it rock

She make me feel so good, better than i would by myself or
If i was with somebody else.
You don't understand
She make the people say yeeeeahhhhhh, yeahhhhhhh.

I'm not lovin' you, way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
See I wanna move, but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know

o keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Now keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Now keep ya love locked down, you lose...



Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

If you keep this up
There's bound to be a mess
I ain't really like the rest
Put to the test
I could surely pass
You better do the math
It'd be a shame to say you lost me
But if you want that
It's a wrap
And I won't look back



So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight when you're asleep

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
Arms open wide
Face to the sun

Phonebook

I’d been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m a saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do. Our name is our virtue.

Good stuff, heard that song a billion times this weekend at work
Really wished we woulda took that phone book Josh, KW, and I wrote it
Man that was some good stuff

How bout this weekend
since I woke up one friday i have gotten maybe 4 hrs of sleep
I am not complaining one bit tho
Great hotel party last night
Can not complain about the company
Got thru both days of work with no prob
Like a rockstar
Can't wait til next week when I get paid and have the weekend off
lol

Flag For Holding

Slept til noon, which felt oh so good.
Did some chores then off to the bank and NHS to buy tickets
Met up with KW and Jenni there then headed over to Sonny's with Bobby and Vanessa
Ate then rode down to Valdosta with Sam and Josh
Interesting Car ride
Got to the game and sat with Bobby, Vanessa, KW, Michelle, Ross, Phenoix, Dallas, and everyone else
Sad we lost
Way too many miss calls
Rode home with KW, Ross and Jenni
But not before we stopped at Ross' sisters place
She cooked some pretty dang good food
Really cool person as well..
Rode home and stayed up KW as he drove
Stopped at a random McDonalds and Jenni got hit on by a black guy lol
Now i'm here
Work at 645am
12 hr shift then hotel party and VIP at the Dirty Iguana
It'll be a long day with an even longer night
Tis what I need, my friends

Through the Glass Roof

Had lunch with Sam at Olive Garden
He's a cheap date what can i say
We both got the soup and bread sticks
Softball game tonight
Twas a good one I must say
We lost by 1 run in extra innings
But all is good
Meghan came out and so did Danielle and her mom
What timing lol
Went to Sonic with Lauren and Becca and they are both great
Football game tomorrow night
woot woot
riding down with Sam
Sat night is a hotel party
I think we got most of the floor rented off
It is going down big in the war town
Can't wait to see Bobby and KW
Things are looking up

For You, One Last Time

In the future you will see less stories about Caitlin
option selected on facebook
no sense in slamming the door in other girls faces while i constantly knock at one that will not open
Your loss or mine
From what I hear I am not losing out on anything special
Doesn't mean I believe it or feel that way
You know my thoughts and my feelings
I hope he makes you happy
Or it makes you happy
It is what you deserve
I have my books and France for the saving, lol
I could care less about that
As you hesitate to communicate I will not hesitate to answer
College is a time to do whatever, so do just that
And when it's all over with I will be here
I have no desire for any relationshit, I mean relationships
A time of quick fixes to cover my true feelings shall suffice
I know who you really are, and the person I fell in love with
Whether or not that person still exists after is it over and said, You still will have my heart
There was a chance to salvage something and I blew it due to my relationship with my father
I acknowledge and accept that fact
You say you have already come to terms with it all and has put it behind you
Congrats for doing so, I guess it helps when you go to a college full of guys
Even if that weren't the case you are beautiful and any guy who wasn't half drunk would notice
Only a matter of time I guess
But I have let go, started a new chapter
Whew, thank God, about time
things that might be going through your head,
And if they are then I'm glad things turned out the way they did
for you would have changed for the worse
Which would be something you said would never happen
My fault for believing
If that's not the case then you are a better person than I for controlling your emotions
But I do not believe that is the case
Like you've told me you've just stopped caring
Same with James and I can only imagine the numbers of others
I guess I still refuse to believe that is a characteristic of you
And I noticed the drawings you post
They are absolutely stunning
Just so you know
Take all this how you want
But I'm pretty sure you'll read this and give a slight smirk, then go about your business
Trust me my hopes are not up
I just have to get this all said
And now I have
So if we don't ever talk again, have a great life, and I will never forget that summer we spent together or each and every experience we shared. You are truly an amazing woman.
May <3

Softball

Softball game tonight
Everyone did amazing
i prob played the best game I have ever played
We lost tho
By one run
The other team was undefeated and came back on us to win
Work was the same old same old
Glad to hear Sandi is doing better
Things will get better for her
I am a joke however

myocardial infarction

Studying Anatomy and Physiology for my lab exam monday afternoon
Exciting stuff...
I can't shake you
not matter how hard I try or what i put myself through
From what I hear you are a changed person...
I hope you enjoy it all
No i don't think I love you anymore
I don't see the point in why I should
I'd give anything to be able to go about my business unaffected
i really don't know exactly what we used to have
But I miss it, and I miss you
What do I want? I want something
anything
maybe i'm just werid and a loser who can't get a grip on life
I think i just believe people to easily
I was myself with you
Did what I could to make you happy and build you up
I hope you know how beautiful of a person you are
whether you believe it or not
I never treated you wrong either
Maybe i'm supposed to get through this on my own
All i do is pretend that i'm ok and getting along fine
When everyone goes home and all the parties are over and it's just me...
I know if i just leave it up to you then i'll never hear from you again
I guess that's what kills me the most
You haven't even thought about it in the past whatever
even though you read
That hurts caitlin



"Dude what are you doing to yourself"
"I don't know, anything man"
"Well what the fuck, does that really get it all out of your mind?"
".... no"
"well then why put yourself through this"
"i don't know, just help me man.."

Done

Yes I am
My heart goes out to Sandi
Lord knows I've been there

.

"something has got to change"
hmmm
sorry man
i can't
thing won't either

Ruby Tuesday

Is by far an awful place
The service and my food was repulsive
My order was completely wrong
My burger was bleeding
Pure raw meat
And then It was my fault
Oh hell no
And I still had to pay for it
The only reason I didn't pull down my pants and show my ass was I was there with Sam and Lauren
Never going back there
Just got off the phone with Corporate

Stuff

Chores early today
Surprised I got up
Off to study in Macon

the time on this thing is like 8 hours ahead

gOD ya dig

don't you know i wish...
this train doesn't stop here anymore
prayed for no one to turn up tonight
but some one did
Casa mexico for diner
how ironic
night was fine
but as i expected, indifferent, numb
no more
you can do it in a week?
better person than i
you know where to find me
no harsh feelings
a friendship would be great
never had one with an ex
closest was Kaytlin
shrug the whole thing off
maybe it's for the best
i kinda think you believe you have already found what's best
idk, it was possible for it to work
the cake was yours to have and eat
maybe it made its way to the refrigerator
for it will spoil if not
but what am I saying, you don't even like cake
off to reload 4 more
sleep soon I pray

Atrial-Fib W/ RVR HR 124

Busy day at work
Things are tending to stay that way
Good I guess
Still find myself hoping, but I put a stop to that as soon as possible
What A Bitch
That's all I have to say
I hate change
So I can't change anymore
That's all I've done since 10th grade
Life is meant to be live, and that is what I am doing
Forget the past, things never truly change
Got a text from Danielle the other day
Just wanted to tell me that she is madly in love
I am happy for her, but idk,
Probably could of done without that
But she cares in her own way, and I appreciate that
Prob will be at least another 2 weeks til I hear from her

ICU3
Atrial-Fib W/RVR HR 124
He prob won't be there when I report for work in the morning
He kept reaching up to the sky today
I helped Amanda out with him alot today
Death can be a wicked thing
I pray mine is swift and I am gone without the struggle


Softball game tomorrow
Not really looking forward to it
Haven't had someone there to watch me in a while
If I could be heartless, I'd say, "no, I don;t want you there"
Have I learned nothing?


out of sleeping pills so in for a long night
which is good because I tend to have dreams I hate
And now I can't sleep on the couch because I might sweat when I sleep and get the couch dirty
I tried, but still nothing, so why try? ya know?

off this entire weekend again
yay....

Her

I wish her the best of luck with life
And would be happy to keep the friendship
Still keep her in my prayers
Partying can only cover it up for so long
I should know
Books are now my escape, my release
Never will forget one second of that summer
For it was the best I have experienced
At the drop of a hat I would welcome her back
Forget everything that happened
And love her until the end of time

Today was Great

Great day today
actually the past few days have been pretty damn killer
Got up and painted the outside of the house and almost finished it up
Watch the Gators crush Tennessee
Met up with Sam and Lauren at Cracker Barrel and actually overcame a big fear of mine
Was still feeling lucky and met Bobby at Hooters to watch the games
And what can I say, we knew the server and she's in a few of my college classes
Great night even though Georgia, LSU and Wake Forrest won
Confidence is back and such, but I still love her, was really happy to get the text this afternoon
In case you read this
Need to study tonight before bed
Hope to meet up with K Dub and some folks tomorrow for a movie
Hit me up
Go Gators

Curve

Great day today
Had lunch with bobby
Met up with KW and hit the mall
then over to BestBuy and Sonic
Football game with bobby
Then Krystals afterwards
Time to crash

Title

Got the hair cut today, i like it i guess, wanted something different to see when I looked in the mirror. No class this morning for it was canceled. Went laptop shopping, saw some that I really liked, but not the prices. I have several ordeals to take of regarding Macon State, I can happily say everything is falling into place. KW wants me to go with him to Southern, but I will not be attending. Pain never goes away, you just learn to deal with it. Gay shit if I must say so myself.

Hypotension

Home from work, class was great, just missed a wreck getting up there. Off til tues, I do not know what to do with myself... Test Monday so I will be studying like I have no life, which is the truth. Time to spend the rest of the year like I thought I would spend this past summer, in a shell. So yes I still love her, and I;m fucked up, sent her a message on accident while I was driving, that was the last thing I wanted to do. So now I wait, not getting bogged down tho, and I am not being hard on myself or doing drugs or drinking like some might imagine. I'm just doing, school, work, and studying. Time will past, but I hope the chance for us has not. I do however keep a steady eye on the horizon, should I say inbox and cell, just in case I might hear from her, but my hopes are not up. They say those in the health care field and especially those who aspire to become doctors are better suited to go at it alone, so we will see. ily

Can I Get An Update? post 10

Long day today, but it was good b/c i got paid for the hours. Had Monitor Tech class this morning at 8, so i got to work at 7am and did an hour then moved over to the library for the class. There was about 22 folks in there, I was the only guy. Sounds like it would be amazing, but idk, i enjoyed my coffee at least. Finished the class and went back to the ICU and worked there til about 8. Called up Sam then got some Stevie B's. More good stuff there, had to sit at a big table because all the smaller ones were packed, sucked pretty bad just sitting with myself. But the pizza was good. Left and decided to stop by the church on the way home, but it was empty so i kept driving. Class tomorrow in Macon, then down to Perry for work. Then off til monday. Hitting the books pretty hard.

Back Here Again, Thank You

Rap songs filling my head
Lethal doses filling my veins
So tired of trying to be that one
When the truth is i need no one
Feelings are all one big lie
Love is no longer a high
True peace is the release

Sad Face

Something is wrong with me and i do not know what
i feel as if i am falling down this pit of self destruction
as if everything i see, feel, or hear is me disillusions
I would love to be happy, but will gladly settle for being content
Once again i find myself here, on this plateau
I don't know why i do things or why i even try anymore
For the end result is always the same
I hate myself and everything I do
No amount of drinking or partying or anything can cover up these feelings
Nor trick myself into forgetting them for a moment
For when I wake in the morning I only hate myself more for trying to go out and have fun
Fun can not be found anywhere I look
I enjoy my job only so much
These heart rhythms I see on the monitor are those of people fighting for their lives
And at the end of the day many do not win their fight
It kills me to go into one's room to bring them their meals,
and only to come back the next day to discover they did not make it through the night
Yes it is a part of the job, but no one can truly say death doesn't bother them
If so then they have a cold heart, which i don't know, doesn't sound too bad right about now
I try to put everything out of my mind when I take my position on the softball field
While the stands are full, not one face do i recognize
I so long to hear the voice of God telling me everything is going to ok my child
For it is a voice I have not heard, and maybe if I hear him say i might believe it
Everything is not ok, nor do i see it getting there
Why do i long for a career in which I take care of others when I cannot do the same for myself?
I know longer have hope for anything
Life is just a ride that I cannot get off until the ride breaks down
A never ending flight of stairs that I continue to fall down
My hopes no longer rise about my self esteem
For they both lie flattened by gravity
I am terrified about going to Tech tomorrow, if i still go
Terrified that my worst fears will only continue to be re-enforced
If you some how are reading this then know that I love you
And what little is left of me is yours to have if you wish
I so love feeling my phone vibrate and seeing a text from you
This past week it felt like you truly enjoyed texting me and that i made your day better
Words can not describe how happy I was to receive a message from you that wasn't a response to one I sent
A simple have a great day, made my day into just that
I only have my all to give you, that and my love
You can do no wrong in my book
I love you my dear, so so much

Too much

Too much this morning before cpr class
couldn't stop shaking at atlas for lunch
freaked out Lauren and Sam
three all. and three pm to boot since i'm not partying
increase next?

Put on

It's lonely at the top
but the bottom isn't much better
ride the middle in hopes of peace
only to discover peace is release
freedom from the weight of the world
even atlas needed a break
we as mere mortals are not created for this
our purposes however is a joke
the instant we find satisfaction pain finds us
cynical humor in which the only punch line in existence
is the sensation one feels as the stomach and heart drop
scars appear internally as hate finds it way externally
open arms turn to clinched fists
sympathetic ears tune out cries of agony
the fire that once burned so fiercely no longer keeps the heart warm
a vessel made to love now returns to its monotonous rhythm
only keeping alive one who wishes otherwise
for the pain is too heavy of a burden
everything is dropped while things of old become reacquainted
while they merely temporary plug the hole
the damn will burst in due time
and in doing so
ones will only think to thank God for the rain

Eh...

Softball game tonight, which we won. The best part was talking with Sam and Lauren afterwards, great people they are, prob my closest friends. NFL football starts tonight, yay, i guess. Idk, things really really suck, the softball field doesn't make me happy, i'm doing phenomenal at work, which idk, just passes the time. Class is no problem, idk, I'm just, done? why should i tell everyone no, when that's all i hear. I guess hard is hard and just not worth it, it takes two legs to walk, two to dance, and two to love.

Montreal Works Miracles?

"Tangled" By Maroon 5

I'm full of regret
For all things that I've done and said
And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show
My face 'round here
Sometimes I wonder if I disappear

Would you ever turn your head and look
See if I'm gone
Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful

Your just innocent
A helpless victim of a spider's web
And I'm an insect
Goin after anything that I can get

So you better turn your head and run
And don't look back
Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say
To you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful

And I've done you so wrong
Treated you bad
Strung you along
Oh shame on myself
I don't know how I got so tangled up



I would not really say this song is my current mood, but parts will suffice. Continued to face the inner "demons", with little success. But it was good after a long week and a long day to just come home and sit back in the recliner and rest. Lit a few candles actually, not for the atmosphere, but because my dad made something weird for dinner. But the candle light gave a pretty cool effect to watching Maroon 5 live in concert at Montreal, of course the H-Def helps as well, lol. Very poor grammar in this post, it will not continue.

Take my breath away
make everyday
worth all of the pain that i have gone through

Can I Get An Update? 3rd post

Class this morning up at Macon State in Macon. Sam followed me up and Lauren met us there. We had a quiz first thing at 8. I think we each missed one, not the same one however. Lecture was intense, and I say that in all honesty. I felt like I received all my high school chemistry in a matter of 80 minuets. Jetted down to Perry for work at the conclusion of class. Once again I became lost and confused while in Perry. Some places I swear... I found my way however and clocked in with a minuet to spare. While today was not as eventful as yesterday (ig the tornadoes), the time still manager to pass with relative ease. Misty and Ruth Ann let me do some PCT work, which was interesting, I got over my fears and that ewww gross voice inside my head. Great people down there, as well as at the Warner Robins hospital. Payday is tomorrow, finally! Swung by the church on my way home from work. Was greeted instantly as i pulled in by Katie, "Hey look it's Josh!" Made me feel pretty good and realize how much I missed being there. Heard about Kenny's wedgie and shot the breeze with Bill and BP. Gave Matty the biggest hug I've ever given a fellow male. Missed Trevor because he was at work, extremely sad face. Good day overall; however, I still can not break free from the desires to, regress for lack of better words. maybe flashback would work. Yeah that's a Lit term. I hope my Lit teacher reads this like she should, it might score me some extra points. lol. Mellisa would ride my case if she knew, too bad she doesn't read this and I don't work with her until next week. But I do thank her, that had to been one of the best nights of work. Even though she was like 28, well that's how old i say she is, she's actually a bit older, she knew what to say. But I soon found it is easy to get into a mindset when someone is there holding you up, but I soon as i left flashbacks worse than the rain that was falling.

How long, how long will I slide
I don't believe it's fair
I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me o away

Poetry is at it's best when mixed with music I have found. I really wanted to play some music tonight at the church, maybe next time. I do believe that is what I will be doing tonight, just making music, oh how I do miss it, along with other things...

I no longer wish to be haunted by this thing I have called memory,
too often has it destroyed good moods instead of prolonging their existence,
while I aid ailing patients all day I ponder to myself "where is my nurse?",
No, they are not at the bottom of a bottle or the end of a pipe,
with haste I furiously over turn rocks in vein,
as they slip to the ground my hopes fall intertwined them,
only to be traversed over and covered by earth,
buried without hesitation or regard for their potential,
when my demise approaches its climax a reunion shall occur,
between lost hopes, body, and cold earth from which we all originate,
anything would be relinquished in order to obtain warmth again,
a sensation no star in the universe could provide
a sensation only achieved from being by your side

There Mrs Aiken, poetry
A+ yeah?

2 in one day

Not 2 posts in one day (even though that would be an excellent guess), but 2 tornadoes in one day. Better yet, in one afternoon. Today was my first day working down in the Perry ICU. While the first few hours never seemed to pass, after lunch God opened up the floodgates and made it rain. Two tornadoes touched down miles from the hospital. During the second one Anna and I stood outside and actually were able to see the clouds circulating and forming a funnel. Holly and Her got some pretty amazing pictures. I did not have my cell so I took zero. sad face. Aside from the weather, I performed my job extremely well, which makes me happy after only three days of training. There is always something new to learn and the folks are great down there, all way older than me, but great none the less. Overall an exciting and very good day.

The First One

I have heard life best described as a river that is always running and ever changing. I do agree with this metaphor; however, it does not make me happy to do so. Sometimes I wish life would stay the same, that the current would just tire and stop. Maybe it is because I loath not being in control, or maybe I detest the unknown future. I was happy where this river called life had taken me. A happiness had overtaken me, one that was completely new and seemed to have no ending in sight. The view from the river was spectacular. For the first time I was overfilled with joy and could not ask or wish for anything more. Things sure have changed. I feel as if I ave fallen off of the boat and in a panic and frenzy I am trying to stay afloat. As I frantically make my way to the surface I see my boat swiftly making its way downstream. The boat was the prize of my fleet. the only one who never let me down. A boat that I would be more than happy to be bound to for life. It had the perfect name, Caitlin. I begin to swim harder and faster than I ever imagined possible, but with no avail. So here I am, caught in the never ending flow of the river. Making my way ever so slowly down stream the river called life. While I have no boat to aid in this journey, all of the swimming one my own has begun to make me stronger. I still long for my vessel of old, and can only pray it has not attacked by pirates. When and if I find it again, I will love it even more. So for now I swim and stay afloat, but my eyes are fixed on the horizon and my hopes hinge on seeing that familiar boat waiting for me at a port.