dream

"apparently your (dream) means you're trying to resolve an unsettled issue or internal conflict, and your boss represents some aspect of yourself, and you want to end a relationship or situation and you're repressing what you desire the most."

Interesting?
I think not
I find the most intriguing aspect is the fact I had a dream
However that fact is marginally diminished upon investigating as to why I had a dream
While I was still awake and writing last night, well actually this morning, I received a phone call from my boss at work asking me to come in and work the day-side shift
I made up some excuse and told her I would see what could be arranged and I would "get back to her."
Granted this was not the last thing on my mind before sleeping (that would be House since I was watching until i passed out), my subconscious must of have an issue with me lying and somewhat letting down my fellow employees and those sick patients who need my help in the ICU
This is my short and short explanation for the dream, but one cannot help but become curious after reading what others believe my dream to mean
Of course we all have multiple if not several unsettled and/or internal issues
I; pretty sure if I were to say self-conscious issues, self-esteem problems, depression, and anxiety issues, then I would guarantee at least one of these issues applies to each individual who are in relative age to mine
Moving on, the vast majority of humans have a relationship in which they want it to end
Whether it be between a lover, best friend, acquaintance, family member, addiction, or habits, the list can continue for a fortnight and eventually would strike home for each individual dead or living
And I represent what I desire the most
I find this the most puzzling aspect of my dream interpretation
For we all believe we know what we desire the most, but do we really know?
Sad to say, but at this moment I DO know what I desire most in life
And it is this knowledge which begins to explain much about me
Oh how I long for it....




btw
dreams do come true my friend
on more than one occasion as well...

Wake

School starts tomorrow morning at 730am
Which is incredibly early
Considering I have not gone to bed the past few nights until well later on in the morning
Summer was enjoyable while it lasted, to say the least
Softball game monday
I need to call work and get tomorrow night off
Maybe trade and work thursday night
I just want to play softball
It has been over 2 weeks since we have last played
And I need it
Badly
Damn it's freezing in my room
Time to put on some clothes and start the day, at 4 in the afternoon
I am sooo screwed for tomorrow

Peace

Soo I don't know what to type about. I don't really post things on here relating to being happy, so I shall refrain. Happiness is short lived, so the point I cannot i find. And God, I can;t convey how strongly I hate posts like these where I just go on and on about what is on my mind, blah, and since I have lost that "fire", this might be the last post for a while. I like to use this blog for Literary works of art. Which I make an attempt to produce on random accounts. Everything can be replaced. Farm Town is the new Tribal Wars. Summer by another. Statesborough the new Atlanta. Same emotions, different face onto which they are projected. Hesitating to say the least. I am content with things, and how they stack in life. Closing and book and beginning a new is always a good and healthy action to preform. blah blah blah blah just rambling on and on, I'll get a journal if I want to read my thoughts. I'll be back when I have that fire.

Josh

Bored

Sooo, nothing to do this morning/afternoon, so I shall blog thoughts
GLEE was a really good show, it came on after American Idol (I don't care who wins this season). I was just attempting to get on my dad's nerves by talking about wanting to watch it all day, but I was surprised at how good it really was, and he even liked it also. Sadly, the season won't official commence until the fall, uber sad face.

The Detroit Red Wings are kicking some ass, as usual. I am anxiously anticipating the NHL playoffs, with hopes of it being Detroit and Pittsburgh, oh how absolutely amazing that would be.

Man U has almost completed their soccer season, they have one more match left, the finals for some trophy or cup. I expect them to win, as always. They have won their 3 consecutive Premier League title. Oh how I long to see them play live at Old Trafford. AC Milan is coming to Atlanta to play sorry-ass Club America in a month or so, I do believe I shall make every attempt to be in attendance. I'll know about my classes today when I ride down to the college and make everything official for the summer semester. More than likely 11 hours :0 I am excited for my PSYC class!
*edit: just saw a commercial for MAN U, UEFA Cup finals v Barcelona May 27th 2;45! EPIC

Softball games, thursday and friday night! This week off has been grueling. I loathe not having any games for over a week. Hopefully people will be in attendance...

Terminator movie at midnight tonight, it shall be epic. A group of us are going. If it weren't Warner Robins and summer time, I do not know if I would be going to the midnight showing. That, and the fact that I got paid today, money to burn, well, on books that is. I'll be sooo relieved and happy when I receive Hope next semester.

I feel a trip to the boro is looming on the horizon. If bobby can ever get a few days in a row off. I thoroughly enjoyed myself hanging with Bobby and his crew, and I would enjoy hanging with Candice. My curiosity is more than elevated, the possibilities of, what if, and only if, are abundant. But she has been a large reason as to why I have been in a batter mood (emotionally and mentally I might add). As of now I am stuck here in Warner Robins, going to Macon State for nursing. I was surprised to be accepted into the program, I guess I shouldn't of KILLED my nursing entry exam. I'll get my associates degree and then that will begin the decision making. Transfer out or stay and finish my undergrad studies? If I do chose to stay I will, and yes, I hope you are sitting down, I will hope to apply to the University of Georgia for my grad studies. They are attempting to create a Medical wing and add it to their offered curriculum. Damn, what am I saying?

Sports sports sports, I cannot accurately convey how much I love them, yes I said love. Softball, NBA Playoffs, NHL Playoffs, Soccer Finals, MLB season, Lacrosse Finals, NBA Draft, yesss. All great things.

Ummmmm, what?

Like a disease i cut ties and quarantine
Minimal exposure results in horrific consquences
Oddly enough, once I have the itch, I lust for more
My body tries to fight, my sub conscious becomes victorious
Loose control, just let go
Fly free, blissfully, happily
The days go by one by one
Tine after time I tell myself I am done
This game no longer is fun
For what I've done and what you've done
Results in nothing less than a shun
Curious I venture out on limb
Peering into the future and all I see is dim
But for this night I will live on a whim
Imbibing what I can so i can loose all perception
God I don't care if I'm playing into your deception
For in your arms you could never do me no harm
As if I were in a dream, fuck hitting the alarm
I never want it to end but I can't just be a friend
You heart, just for one night will you lend?
No, I close my chest and put my emotions all back within
Take it on the chin, and stop pondering when
Same old story, same old song and dance
I don't want to be saved, who am I? France?
Yeah i just threw that in, with hopes to see you grin
A laugh here, a laugh there
Socialist, damn right I like to share
rofl, lamo, lol
I don't want a mac, dude I'm getting a dell!
There ain't no crime for this dope rhyme that I spit
Randomly throwing darts, hoping your target, I hit
For times back then were good, as they are now
The only difference is my best friend has down things with a cow
No name calling, no finger pointing, not playing that game
But damn, at least I can walk around with no shame
Shit, what am I talking about, this is starting to get lame
So on a final closing note, I'll end it with a rhyme
What will the future hold? All in good time

by me, josh b












Wow
This is why I don't listen to rap anymore

Texts from last night

LOLing the entire afternoon
great stuff

(206): I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
(1-206): Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

rainy days are nice
especially on sundays
when i have nothing else to do but watch sports
watched soccer earlier
then baseball
lakers are on now
KOBE!!!!

















(443): remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing

A night in the day of

Shotgun loaded for two placed within the mouth,
falling heavily to the ground; notice the light reflecting off my frozen eyes, swearing you saw me wink just before the concrete extends its arms,
catching the soulless organism overflowing with disdain,
the being is not Josh, for Josh checked out the moment you checked back in,
each sip replacing, refilling the vacant flesh,
subconsciously an apathetic suicidal misanthropic genius with a minor in misogynisim,
every time I release I relapse as my subconscious desires to end my existence, exposing thy brain is a task deregulated to the demoted,
peeling back the parietal lobes introduces cerebral matter drenched by the indescribable,
death quickly envelopes the curious onlooker,
as with the Ark of the Covenant; he who glances upon it shall fall dead where he stands,
insanity? Why can’t it just be vanity?
A infinite chess game, every action based on reason,
a night remembered only by those who depict the events back to me,
why add additional memories those I lock away so intently?
Already having taken a literal walk down memory lane,
I never noticed the demons peeking out from behind the tress,
waiting in anticipating for the signal from their leader to commence ambushing,
my lungs, liver and kidneys are black as her heart,
and what of my heart?
White stained razor blades have carved an x over where it should lay,

by me, josh b




blllaaahhhhhhh
this took me forever to compose
i just don't have that fire anymore
it's been a phenomenal past few weeks
i think I am more curious than anything
perhaps i just don't care
i really don't

Anarbor, again

It's the calming before the storm
Alcohol sits nicely in your stomach warm
When you wake up hungover
You wish you were sober.

I've danced with the devil
And dreamed with the demons
Fell asleep with debt
Then fell short of breath
When you wake up hungover
You wish you were sober

Just be pretty but naïve
Anything you hear is what you believe
Let the rhyme get stuck in your head
Wish you had undressed me in your head

It's the low before the high
It's been so long you thought you would die
When you wake up hungover
You wish you were sober

And I'll be counting the days that the sun goes past
With the clouds beneath my feet

Just be pretty but naïve
Anything you hear is what you believe
Let the rhyme get stuck in your head
Wish you had undressed me in your bed

'Cuz we've been falling apart
Built to crumble from the start
I'm a cold metal machine
And I'll do things you've never seen

Just be pretty but naïve
Anything you hear is what you believe
Let the rhyme get stuck in your head
Wish you had undressed me in your

Just be pretty but naïve
Anything you hear is what you believe
Let the rhyme get stuck in your head
Wish you had undressed me in your bed

'Cuz we've been falling apart
Built to crumble from the start
I'm a cold metal machine
And I'll do things you've never seen

And what they don't tell you in church is
Saints are sinners too.





ok, no more post for teh day
but it is safe to say Anarbor is my band of the week
maybe for the next two weeks
I hope to enjoy them during warped tour
who knows...
gotta help bobby move
I actually hate posts like this, and these
My mind is extremely strained and not in the state for literature creation
I'll throw something out there later
Maybe some Russian Lit
:0

The Swen

One last note before I run:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUrzcaIaixQ&feature=PlayList&p=7E61A62031E29311&index=3

Athens

Heading up to Athens for the afternoon
This is a curious decision on my part
For I hate The University of Georgia
And I mean hate
Granted, If I were to receive a full scholarship I would never refuse
However, They do not have a nursing program, so i will not be attending
Downtown Athens is actually a pretty cool place
The college part that is
I first went back in middle school when I was participating in the state science fair
I was selected to go in back to back years
The only two years in which I entered
I do however like the down town Ga Tech area more
But nothing beats Georgia Southern's downtown facilities
I might have to make a run down there next weekend
That is unless I want to pick up work shits
Which I am free to do now that school is out and my summer classes have not yet commenced
Oh, there is a company picnic down at the Perry Hospital today
I forgot
Just rambling on, killing time til I leave
Which shall be shortly
Matter of fact, now

My Life

Overcoming adversity and the thrill of competition
2 motivating factors predominantly dominating my life
the satisfaction generated within is indescribable
Achieving goals and accomplishing predetermined feats, reignites the fire of joy deep within the bowels of my soul and deepest inner being
I realize when I have completed something phenomenal
Recognizing facial expressions depicted by competitors renders a smile across my lips
Lips whose sole lust and ambitions hinge upon such actions
Out of the various occupations thine lips preform, this smirk is at the fore front
While one cannot win them all,
My joy from tonight, shall not fall

Work Chat

Another slow night at work. Just one patient back here, and she is desperate for attention, but she is old, and almost dead, I think i can say all of that without violating any laws. just myself and one additional nurse tonight, and she is hilarious and a joy to work with, as is the majority of the staff. That is the reason why I have not put in for a transfer for to the closer hospital. I am extremely well off down here, and I am thrilled to be treated in such mannerisms.
Ahhh talking religion and beliefs at the work place. I enjoy it immensely. I love the look on a person's face when I over hear them speaking on what the believe in and then i turn to the am ask them point blank, " so what is it you believe in exactly." Stammering the struggle to form a logically and rational answer. I find it intriguing how many respond, "well, I believe in a little bit of everything," and so forth. I got asked if I believed we were living in the end of days. I said, "No." You'd be surprised how a person will react when you put them under a little pressure by challenging or just questioning their beliefs. Also, no one ever asks me what I believe in, just a side note.
Time to actually do some work. Til next time.....

Summer

Summer time has arrived, finally.
Classes will be resuming in a few weeks however
but I do enjoy the break
Glad that the guys are back in town
Just wish Ross wouldn't be so anti-social
But can you really blame him?
I mean last time he hung with me I pulled my blade on an undercover cop
Granted mistakes happen
But i kind of understand why he doesn't feel like hanging
Things happen
A person just has to roll with it
Mother's Day is tomorrow
Not sure what we have planned
I asked my dad and he told me "She's not my mother"
What a great response
He's been sick the past few days and female like in his PMS actions
So glad i'm not a woman and have to go thru that, and being a whore
Just kidding
N
O
T
Yes I have come to terms with being a horrible person
I was talking to friend on facebook when I woke up this afternoon and they felt bad about being a horrible person
I asked why do you feel that way
And she provided several reasons and explanations varrying from her lifestyle choices, morals, values, beliefs, etc...
I thought to myself
and said, well based on that I am a horrible person too
I don't believe that I nor they are
It's just in the eye of the beholder
And plus, I';ve been called worse, and better fitting titles
such as, lying sack of shit
Not that I am a liar, but I do tend to find myself complaining about being single, and then continuously slamming the door shut in the next female who happens to wander in my direction
eh, what can i say
"so just get drunk and sleep with them" in an attempt to cover up true feelings and the fact that I run away from everything
eh, not really my style since spring break my senior year
I just seem to shut down drunk girls as well
drunk people just aren't as attractive as they are when they are sober
and i really don't want to give them the wrong impression
because I won't want a relationship with them
and I refuse to do that
you know, like get them all feeling good, and then cut and run
so to speak
something with present itself in the future
i just live for the moment and enjoy it
of course it is always easier when your friends are by your side
no homo
lol

With No Regrets

And when I open my eyes I am there. No longer am I seeing the silence which envelopes my entire soul through and through. No longer does one taste the depression weighing down every ounce of my torn and tattered being. No longer will I hear the photographs exclaiming their joy and ultimately their ignorant blissfulness in the world they have retreated to in such haste. No longer can I smell the words vomiting forth from the mouth of a siren. No longer will I feel sights of summer past spent falling helplessly deeper and further into my dreams. I have awoken from such lies, and now I find myself here, lying beside her. Transformed, transfixed, how can this be? The coolness of the sheets absorb the sweat neatly scattered along my legs. Looking up I feel a gentle refreshing breeze caress my flustered cheeks. I squint my tired eyes and peer through the darkness consuming the room; however, I need not a second glance for I know the building in which I rest. The melodic electropop rhythms relax my racing heart as my respirations gradually reduce to resume their normal limits. I am there, that which I have so desperately desired to omit from my conscious perception. Bewildered I abruptly scan my arms in an attempt to see recent scarred tissue. Noticing none but the vintage, curiously I begin to realize exactly where I am in time and space. The rising summer sun becomes visible from behind the soft curtains. The joy which abundantly overflows from the bedsheets we reside, immediately turns cold, for I know the torment yet to be released during the forthcoming months. My mind is running for its life, somehow a signal is shot throughout my nervous system to my core: breathe. I gasp for air and you begin to stir, rolling over onto your sweat drenched side. Our eyes lock, it is in this moment I know beyond any doubt what my course of action shall be...

- by me, josh b

Escape The Fate

My band of the week
reminds me of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus in a way
Really good CD
Worth a download
Great lyrics in this song
As well as their other tracks on this CD

Summer

First day off summer break for me is today
After completing a hectic semester, it feels good to sleep in
And not miss class that is
Only two of my final averages have been posted for me to view
both are B's, high B's
Both which easily could have been rounded up to an A
But it's chill
I'm already in the nursing program
So it makes no sense to stress over rasing my GPA sky high
As long as I can have it above 3.0 by the end of this summer semester I will be content
I have a few weeks off before I have to report back for summer classes
It will be nice to hang with everyone once again
Micro, PSYC, and ENGL along with MSCC1000 will be my course load
Manageable to say the least
ANd oddly enough, I find myself excited about summer
Well, not so much excited as I am curious
Which I honestly hate
I know exactly have it will go, and I don't know why it attracts my attention and thought :(

Josh Buchanan

is down and out
something has got to be wrong with me
I think i should seek help
I can no long tolerate my mental/emotional status
In a crowded busy room, everything around me is a blur as I sit, completely lost in my own thoughts
I listen for a voice but hear none
alone
silent
constantly going from extreme to the next
always seeming to remain at the lowest point for extended durations
This cannot be all that life has to offer
I was not made for this

I hate this
If only I could escape my thoughts
And find refuge in the delusion I used to live with you
While your role is open to auditions,
Few show to fill the part
But none ever stay to make an attempt

There has got to more to life than this
I no longer expect joy to occur the following day
I don't want sex, I don't want hook ups
I want peace of mind
I want someone
Add another to the list
Pretend to shake it off and continue
Only the truth is I can't

I need uppers
Because these downs are getting to be unbearable
White flag
I call it quits

may 3

My smile was taken long ago
If I can change i hope I never know

Great weekend in the boro with great people
Bobby has some tight roommates/friends
Very chill and accepting people
Too bad I have already been accepted to the nursing program at macon state for the fall semester
I honestly did not want to leave
I actually was able to spend the entire weekend without getting entirely consumed by my thoughts
Oh how I despise the overwhelming emotions
Now with my full summer load and fall endeavors, well, let's just say I don't expect for things to pick up
Emotionally and relationship wise
I can act like I don't care
I can say that I sleep with ease at night
I can say that I am not jealous of happy couples
And that I don't miss it
I can say it brings me joy to be able to spend my money all myself
I can say L-O-V-E is just another word I never learned to pronounce
But it's all a lie
fuck that she's right
The thing is, I don't miss her, I miss the delusion in which I lived
I miss being able to completely trust another
I miss the relationship
Yes you can have a relationship with anyone, I just can seem to find that anyone
Opportunities present themselves, however the door slams shut abruptly
Time after time
I honestly don't know what is wrong with me
Fuck, I sound like an emo song
Now I guess I'll have to talk about my fresh burns...
SO many questions
All of which no distinct answer will ever be known
fml





fml