Softball

Softball game tonight
Everyone did amazing
i prob played the best game I have ever played
We lost tho
By one run
The other team was undefeated and came back on us to win
Work was the same old same old
Glad to hear Sandi is doing better
Things will get better for her
I am a joke however

myocardial infarction

Studying Anatomy and Physiology for my lab exam monday afternoon
Exciting stuff...
I can't shake you
not matter how hard I try or what i put myself through
From what I hear you are a changed person...
I hope you enjoy it all
No i don't think I love you anymore
I don't see the point in why I should
I'd give anything to be able to go about my business unaffected
i really don't know exactly what we used to have
But I miss it, and I miss you
What do I want? I want something
anything
maybe i'm just werid and a loser who can't get a grip on life
I think i just believe people to easily
I was myself with you
Did what I could to make you happy and build you up
I hope you know how beautiful of a person you are
whether you believe it or not
I never treated you wrong either
Maybe i'm supposed to get through this on my own
All i do is pretend that i'm ok and getting along fine
When everyone goes home and all the parties are over and it's just me...
I know if i just leave it up to you then i'll never hear from you again
I guess that's what kills me the most
You haven't even thought about it in the past whatever
even though you read
That hurts caitlin



"Dude what are you doing to yourself"
"I don't know, anything man"
"Well what the fuck, does that really get it all out of your mind?"
".... no"
"well then why put yourself through this"
"i don't know, just help me man.."

Done

Yes I am
My heart goes out to Sandi
Lord knows I've been there

.

"something has got to change"
hmmm
sorry man
i can't
thing won't either

Ruby Tuesday

Is by far an awful place
The service and my food was repulsive
My order was completely wrong
My burger was bleeding
Pure raw meat
And then It was my fault
Oh hell no
And I still had to pay for it
The only reason I didn't pull down my pants and show my ass was I was there with Sam and Lauren
Never going back there
Just got off the phone with Corporate

Stuff

Chores early today
Surprised I got up
Off to study in Macon

the time on this thing is like 8 hours ahead

gOD ya dig

don't you know i wish...
this train doesn't stop here anymore
prayed for no one to turn up tonight
but some one did
Casa mexico for diner
how ironic
night was fine
but as i expected, indifferent, numb
no more
you can do it in a week?
better person than i
you know where to find me
no harsh feelings
a friendship would be great
never had one with an ex
closest was Kaytlin
shrug the whole thing off
maybe it's for the best
i kinda think you believe you have already found what's best
idk, it was possible for it to work
the cake was yours to have and eat
maybe it made its way to the refrigerator
for it will spoil if not
but what am I saying, you don't even like cake
off to reload 4 more
sleep soon I pray

Atrial-Fib W/ RVR HR 124

Busy day at work
Things are tending to stay that way
Good I guess
Still find myself hoping, but I put a stop to that as soon as possible
What A Bitch
That's all I have to say
I hate change
So I can't change anymore
That's all I've done since 10th grade
Life is meant to be live, and that is what I am doing
Forget the past, things never truly change
Got a text from Danielle the other day
Just wanted to tell me that she is madly in love
I am happy for her, but idk,
Probably could of done without that
But she cares in her own way, and I appreciate that
Prob will be at least another 2 weeks til I hear from her

ICU3
Atrial-Fib W/RVR HR 124
He prob won't be there when I report for work in the morning
He kept reaching up to the sky today
I helped Amanda out with him alot today
Death can be a wicked thing
I pray mine is swift and I am gone without the struggle


Softball game tomorrow
Not really looking forward to it
Haven't had someone there to watch me in a while
If I could be heartless, I'd say, "no, I don;t want you there"
Have I learned nothing?


out of sleeping pills so in for a long night
which is good because I tend to have dreams I hate
And now I can't sleep on the couch because I might sweat when I sleep and get the couch dirty
I tried, but still nothing, so why try? ya know?

off this entire weekend again
yay....

Her

I wish her the best of luck with life
And would be happy to keep the friendship
Still keep her in my prayers
Partying can only cover it up for so long
I should know
Books are now my escape, my release
Never will forget one second of that summer
For it was the best I have experienced
At the drop of a hat I would welcome her back
Forget everything that happened
And love her until the end of time

Today was Great

Great day today
actually the past few days have been pretty damn killer
Got up and painted the outside of the house and almost finished it up
Watch the Gators crush Tennessee
Met up with Sam and Lauren at Cracker Barrel and actually overcame a big fear of mine
Was still feeling lucky and met Bobby at Hooters to watch the games
And what can I say, we knew the server and she's in a few of my college classes
Great night even though Georgia, LSU and Wake Forrest won
Confidence is back and such, but I still love her, was really happy to get the text this afternoon
In case you read this
Need to study tonight before bed
Hope to meet up with K Dub and some folks tomorrow for a movie
Hit me up
Go Gators

Curve

Great day today
Had lunch with bobby
Met up with KW and hit the mall
then over to BestBuy and Sonic
Football game with bobby
Then Krystals afterwards
Time to crash

Title

Got the hair cut today, i like it i guess, wanted something different to see when I looked in the mirror. No class this morning for it was canceled. Went laptop shopping, saw some that I really liked, but not the prices. I have several ordeals to take of regarding Macon State, I can happily say everything is falling into place. KW wants me to go with him to Southern, but I will not be attending. Pain never goes away, you just learn to deal with it. Gay shit if I must say so myself.

Hypotension

Home from work, class was great, just missed a wreck getting up there. Off til tues, I do not know what to do with myself... Test Monday so I will be studying like I have no life, which is the truth. Time to spend the rest of the year like I thought I would spend this past summer, in a shell. So yes I still love her, and I;m fucked up, sent her a message on accident while I was driving, that was the last thing I wanted to do. So now I wait, not getting bogged down tho, and I am not being hard on myself or doing drugs or drinking like some might imagine. I'm just doing, school, work, and studying. Time will past, but I hope the chance for us has not. I do however keep a steady eye on the horizon, should I say inbox and cell, just in case I might hear from her, but my hopes are not up. They say those in the health care field and especially those who aspire to become doctors are better suited to go at it alone, so we will see. ily

Can I Get An Update? post 10

Long day today, but it was good b/c i got paid for the hours. Had Monitor Tech class this morning at 8, so i got to work at 7am and did an hour then moved over to the library for the class. There was about 22 folks in there, I was the only guy. Sounds like it would be amazing, but idk, i enjoyed my coffee at least. Finished the class and went back to the ICU and worked there til about 8. Called up Sam then got some Stevie B's. More good stuff there, had to sit at a big table because all the smaller ones were packed, sucked pretty bad just sitting with myself. But the pizza was good. Left and decided to stop by the church on the way home, but it was empty so i kept driving. Class tomorrow in Macon, then down to Perry for work. Then off til monday. Hitting the books pretty hard.

Back Here Again, Thank You

Rap songs filling my head
Lethal doses filling my veins
So tired of trying to be that one
When the truth is i need no one
Feelings are all one big lie
Love is no longer a high
True peace is the release

Sad Face

Something is wrong with me and i do not know what
i feel as if i am falling down this pit of self destruction
as if everything i see, feel, or hear is me disillusions
I would love to be happy, but will gladly settle for being content
Once again i find myself here, on this plateau
I don't know why i do things or why i even try anymore
For the end result is always the same
I hate myself and everything I do
No amount of drinking or partying or anything can cover up these feelings
Nor trick myself into forgetting them for a moment
For when I wake in the morning I only hate myself more for trying to go out and have fun
Fun can not be found anywhere I look
I enjoy my job only so much
These heart rhythms I see on the monitor are those of people fighting for their lives
And at the end of the day many do not win their fight
It kills me to go into one's room to bring them their meals,
and only to come back the next day to discover they did not make it through the night
Yes it is a part of the job, but no one can truly say death doesn't bother them
If so then they have a cold heart, which i don't know, doesn't sound too bad right about now
I try to put everything out of my mind when I take my position on the softball field
While the stands are full, not one face do i recognize
I so long to hear the voice of God telling me everything is going to ok my child
For it is a voice I have not heard, and maybe if I hear him say i might believe it
Everything is not ok, nor do i see it getting there
Why do i long for a career in which I take care of others when I cannot do the same for myself?
I know longer have hope for anything
Life is just a ride that I cannot get off until the ride breaks down
A never ending flight of stairs that I continue to fall down
My hopes no longer rise about my self esteem
For they both lie flattened by gravity
I am terrified about going to Tech tomorrow, if i still go
Terrified that my worst fears will only continue to be re-enforced
If you some how are reading this then know that I love you
And what little is left of me is yours to have if you wish
I so love feeling my phone vibrate and seeing a text from you
This past week it felt like you truly enjoyed texting me and that i made your day better
Words can not describe how happy I was to receive a message from you that wasn't a response to one I sent
A simple have a great day, made my day into just that
I only have my all to give you, that and my love
You can do no wrong in my book
I love you my dear, so so much

Too much

Too much this morning before cpr class
couldn't stop shaking at atlas for lunch
freaked out Lauren and Sam
three all. and three pm to boot since i'm not partying
increase next?

Put on

It's lonely at the top
but the bottom isn't much better
ride the middle in hopes of peace
only to discover peace is release
freedom from the weight of the world
even atlas needed a break
we as mere mortals are not created for this
our purposes however is a joke
the instant we find satisfaction pain finds us
cynical humor in which the only punch line in existence
is the sensation one feels as the stomach and heart drop
scars appear internally as hate finds it way externally
open arms turn to clinched fists
sympathetic ears tune out cries of agony
the fire that once burned so fiercely no longer keeps the heart warm
a vessel made to love now returns to its monotonous rhythm
only keeping alive one who wishes otherwise
for the pain is too heavy of a burden
everything is dropped while things of old become reacquainted
while they merely temporary plug the hole
the damn will burst in due time
and in doing so
ones will only think to thank God for the rain

Eh...

Softball game tonight, which we won. The best part was talking with Sam and Lauren afterwards, great people they are, prob my closest friends. NFL football starts tonight, yay, i guess. Idk, things really really suck, the softball field doesn't make me happy, i'm doing phenomenal at work, which idk, just passes the time. Class is no problem, idk, I'm just, done? why should i tell everyone no, when that's all i hear. I guess hard is hard and just not worth it, it takes two legs to walk, two to dance, and two to love.