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School has been going well. I am enjoying my courses and my classmates actually. The few guys in the program all initially appear genuine and non-homo. After the first 2 weeks I seem to be in pretty good standing with with everyone, meaning I fit in. Childish as it may seem it is something I value. I have always had a diminished view and opinion of myself. Especially upon entering middle school. I thoroughly enjoyed my elementary school days; life was good; I was the coolest kid on campus. I was smart, funny, and the fast white runner. Field day was by far my most valued and favorite day in the school year. For some reason at the age I was not aware of any faults I had. I was confident in my intellectual abilities, achieving success on the Focus Quiz Bowl and Logic teams; success in my popularity; well liked by my peers and educators; awkward situations were an unheard event. Something happened during the transition from 5th grade to 6th grade. Something more than just changing from an Elementary to a Middle school. They say a person who has dementia will never notice until their routine changes. Frequently I reminisce on such a period of transition in hopes of remembering an event which will divulge the information explaining what forced me to respond in such a manner. To this day I have no valid rationale. I only know I was not comfortable with my "self" during my middle school and high school days. I became aware at how bad my speaking skills were, and of course my hormone and stress-induced acne only weighed down upon me forcing me into a shell of isolation. I abandoned my God-given gifts of intelligence; forsaking all that had been granted to thine. My lack of self-confidence only hinder my ability to excel in sports. For some reason I was terrified of playing on the same team as my teammates. I assumed to be inferior to their ability levels, striving to earn some display of gratification from the coaching staff, only to find myself failing when my number was called. I sunk into a pit of isolation and despair. I had completely lost all faith in myself. Granted I would achieve minimal strides of regaining self-dignity, only to watch them vanish as I stuttered helplessly attempting to spit out a classical Josh retort, or stop to actually examine my appearance in the mirror. I cannot tell you the one event which eliminated these self-induced delusions. Oddly and ironically enough if was change which I had feared so intently which sprung a soul free from despair. I still do fear change, citing that no one ever changes, and the more we attempt to change the closer we return to who we actually are. I do believe change is a good event in life, and even to some extent a required one. I do enjoy my present collegiate days. I find myself successful. I no longer am afraid to go off alone: walking to class, arriving to my destination before others, sitting in the library; I actually find such events relaxing and self-defining. I find the fact that my fellow classmates are drawn to me, I no longer seek to fulfill friendships to define my self-worth. These people genuinely desire to be my friend, to seek my company. I couldn't care less about the females in my class wanting to be friends, it was the males who I was concerned with "fitting in." To my surprise we all gel in a jolly good fashion. I do not feel pressure to be funny, or do things to prove my place among them is warranted. I find myself being, well, myself. I find myself engaging in conversations with males and females, both without fear or second guessing. I no longer an anxious or nervous about beginning a conversation with one of my classmates, and I often find myself talking with someone new each class. No I am not ego maniac or self absorbed pompous ass nor a cocky frat boy. I happily discover myself talking to females whom I have had several classes with, but never spoke a word to. After our first big exam I was invited to go out to eat and have drinks, I politely denied their request, however it did make my day. I do find joy in the little things, and in my own success. Granted I do still believe I can improve as far as my physical appearance is concerned, and of course I do not love my smile, nor my skin, but for the most part they all are improving. I am respect by my peers and instructors and I am place importance on the work I am doing. I am able to stay happy. While yes there are aspects of the past which I do miss, some more dearly than others, I no longer let such memories dictate my moods. I have been a firm believer in not using medication to resolve feelings and such, and so far through my endeavors I have been successful. I used to always say I would never write about my joy or my happiness because it always seems to be taken away from me. But here it is, a post declaring my happiness, well, contentness sprinkled with joy and peace, lol.


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
why does my m key attempt to break free from my keyboard? I do not like having to firmly press it into it's place
of all keys which receive wear, I would not expect the m key to show it first.
There are so many other letters which I use more frequently: j, o, c, p... lol