Christmas twenty ten

Merry Christmas
I believe I will give the greatest gift of all, sharing a little bit of myself with my cherished readers, or perhaps it's just reader, seeing how I myself only count as one mere soul. Sorry, no gift receipts included.

Now normally this would be the part where I would allow readers to ask any question of me and I would graciously provide an honest answer. But then again, for those who know me in the least bit, how can anyone expect an honest glimpse into my inner-workings and deepest darkest secrets. Intriguing huh? Well, may be not.

I would really like a telescope. I enjoy space and looking at space; the stars in general. It's not even that I wonder what's out there, or even if there is life out there; I just enjoy looking at the stars and all that "stuff" out there. Of course I enjoy star trek and star wars and all that nerdy stuff, oh, I can't forget halo either. I find it relaxing, peaceful even. Overall, I find it cool.

I miss my skateboard. Me? Skateboarding? Yes, believe it. I had a skateboard during my highschool years, and I wasn't half bad either. Somewhere along the line I lost my skateboard. I believe I left it out in the rain, well, over at a friend's house and it was rained on. That was the story I was told, I think on of my friends took it, or may be it was a drunk joke gone wrong, or even possible a drunk joke that was forgotten in the morning. But I do miss it. Go out and buy one, yeah I know. I just haven't. I feel too old actually.

My mind is always racing, always thinking. I develop several theories throughout the day, most them occurring spontaneously. Most them concern medical events and their origins and subsequent treatment options. Others are about people and interactions, or the possible interaction. While I enjoy it, it makes falling asleep extremely difficult. I believe I will have to put on something since the melatonin is no longer working. Most nights I end up taking 9. Other times I take Benadryl and sleep for 12 hours. I hate it.

Random I know, but that's how I think when I try to calm down and go to sleep. I often reflect on previous events in my life. I have no regrets. If I could go back and do everything over I have no doubt that I would make the same choices and decisions, but if I could go back with the knowledge that I have now would I change anything? I'm sure I would act better as a child in public, and I would try to realize the bigger picture. I hate that as a child I embarrassed my parents in public. Aside from that I would not change anything. I am where I am today as a direct result from all the decisions I made throughout my life. All the pain, all the joy, all the sadness, all the accomplishments were worth it. Do get sad and lonely sometimes? Sure I do. But all of my relationships would have ended anyways, there were all great while they lasted (except for those last few months with Danielle, and all the psycho shit Christa did) and I am thankful for them all. Well, sort of. And I believe they all are better off now anyways, and if they aren't then I'm glad I got out while I could. I refuse to be what I mock. That is, I refuse to be an underachiever. I refuse to live poorly, blaming the man for all the bad in my life. I refuse to settle in regards to a spouse. I refuse to force "love." I refuse to become a whiskey tango (WT, or white trash). No, I'm too gifted for that life. Too smart. Too special. Too unique. I am certain I have the abilities to achieve success, to make an impact on others with the life I live. a good impact that is. May be not become President, or cure cancer, (granted I know I could run the greatest free nation and propel it to uncharted heights, and well cancer, hmmm, we'll see), but I do know I can make a difference on a somewhat larger scale than the vast majority.

I would like to go to med school, and I would like to enter the political arena, I would love to go into space, hell, may be even be a clinical nurse researcher in space. That would be the bees knees yo. Of course I would also enjoy psychology, literature, social studies, event sports healthcare, like traveling with a team and all. But, I would be more than happy to stay in this little town, doing whatever it is I decide on. I still haven't been able to figure out why it upset you the way it did when I said I was simple. I find myself often thinking about that. I could go into great detail explaining the various theories I have and the merit each of them have, but i never tell my secrets. I'm pretty sure you were buzzing to some extent during that conversation, and that's where I cease my obsessing. lol, buzzing, see what I did there? witty i kno.

But there en lies the problem. I tend to reflect far too often, and since I obsess with most other areas of life, I obsess with random memories. It's the psychological aspect I find enticing. The motives behind peoples actions. If you understand why people make the decisions they make, then you can predict their actions.

I feel bad for not talking to Ross since this summer. Almost as if he was an innocent bystander of the whole thing. I assumed he just didn't want to be friends or have anything to do with me. Not because I was rude or mean to him, but just because of the way I acted. And i wouldn't blame him. But he is a good friend, a dear good friend. I hate that I haven't been able to hang out with him when he has requested this winter holiday. I do hope work and practice will no longer interfere.

Season Tickets to the Braves, now that would be awesome

Time for sleep? I do hope so.
Happy Holidays