Sad Face

Something is wrong with me and i do not know what
i feel as if i am falling down this pit of self destruction
as if everything i see, feel, or hear is me disillusions
I would love to be happy, but will gladly settle for being content
Once again i find myself here, on this plateau
I don't know why i do things or why i even try anymore
For the end result is always the same
I hate myself and everything I do
No amount of drinking or partying or anything can cover up these feelings
Nor trick myself into forgetting them for a moment
For when I wake in the morning I only hate myself more for trying to go out and have fun
Fun can not be found anywhere I look
I enjoy my job only so much
These heart rhythms I see on the monitor are those of people fighting for their lives
And at the end of the day many do not win their fight
It kills me to go into one's room to bring them their meals,
and only to come back the next day to discover they did not make it through the night
Yes it is a part of the job, but no one can truly say death doesn't bother them
If so then they have a cold heart, which i don't know, doesn't sound too bad right about now
I try to put everything out of my mind when I take my position on the softball field
While the stands are full, not one face do i recognize
I so long to hear the voice of God telling me everything is going to ok my child
For it is a voice I have not heard, and maybe if I hear him say i might believe it
Everything is not ok, nor do i see it getting there
Why do i long for a career in which I take care of others when I cannot do the same for myself?
I know longer have hope for anything
Life is just a ride that I cannot get off until the ride breaks down
A never ending flight of stairs that I continue to fall down
My hopes no longer rise about my self esteem
For they both lie flattened by gravity
I am terrified about going to Tech tomorrow, if i still go
Terrified that my worst fears will only continue to be re-enforced
If you some how are reading this then know that I love you
And what little is left of me is yours to have if you wish
I so love feeling my phone vibrate and seeing a text from you
This past week it felt like you truly enjoyed texting me and that i made your day better
Words can not describe how happy I was to receive a message from you that wasn't a response to one I sent
A simple have a great day, made my day into just that
I only have my all to give you, that and my love
You can do no wrong in my book
I love you my dear, so so much